There have been many times where the past has played a role in how I react to certain situations and how I deal with relationships either personal or work related. I definitely told people ‘my story’ to get a reaction. The reactions I wanted to get was shock with a touch of sympathy. Yes, there was a period where there was certainly one bad situation that lead to another. A snowball effect as people say. I wanted people to see me as the victim. “Poor Tamara she has gone through such a huge ordeal! Bless her she’s gone through so much. What a trooper”. Yes, I did go through a period where it seemed that all I was receiving was bad luck. It lasted for around six months. Six months where anxiety was at an all time high, I lost weight as for once I couldn’t really eat (due to anxiety). I was technically made homeless but luckily my mum and stepdad let me move in with them. Unfortunately, I had to leave my life in Kent because they lived in Milton Keynes. A breakdown in a relationship occurred, I was also jobless, and I lost a loved one too. Plus, I had two minor operations as well to add to the mix.
So, it wasn’t a fantastic six months, but I am a strong believer that things happen for a reason. Plus, I realise now that I shouldn’t have acted like the victim, pleading sympathy for anyone who would listen to my sad story. Instead of focusing on the negatives of the situations that occurred over those six stressful, painful months. I should have seen the positive aspects instead. However, what I have also come to realise from a personal perspective, is that it so difficult to focus on positives than the negatives. For me it is anyways.
At the end of the day, I survived it, I’m still standing (Elton John’s song just literally came to my head when writing that). Don’t get me wrong, I wouldn’t want to relive those six months again. But those six months did give me strength, support and knowledge. Those months taught me a few things.
First of all I’m not special, people go through a lot more than what I had to deal with (just get over myself). To stop playing victim all the time, it’s unhealthy, pessimistic and then you become one of those people who dwell on the past. Someone who can never really move on, constantly looking at the past not moving forwards. That yes it was a tough, stressful and uncomfortable but it made me a stronger person. Plus, it also showed me who my true friends were, it was nice to finally get rid of some toxic people from my life. The love and support from my family was amazing, they always have my best interest at heart and for the fact I am always grateful. Though I shouldn’t dwell on it, it was an awful six months and some of the things that did occur were traumatic. That’s ok, it will take time to move past it and that is ok too. I am human and it was a lot to take in. No wonder I was constantly on the edge of an emotional breakdown. Last of all its life. Life is sometimes shit. It isn’t always going to be a bed of roses (whatever that means). Life does deal you situations where you are like, fuck off I don’t have time for this! It happens and it is crap, but it does pass. Most of the time it’s not at the pace I want it to go, but it does eventually pass.
You can think about the past and the lessons it given you. Sometimes you even learn from them. I just personally feel that it can become so unhealthy, to think of the negative past situations. You can get sucked into that sort of cycle, where you want to play the victim to get sympathy and hold those self pity parties, that I have spoken about in the past! The thing is it really gets you nowhere. Just reliving painful, stressful moments which can cause you to feel anxious and damn right shit. I know it can be frustrating to hear that, as it is a lot easier to say things than to actually do them physically.
It took me a good few years, to finally admit that those six months were shit but I don’t want to bitch about it anymore. What it has taught me that I am a lot stronger than I think I am. Plus I rather think about the future and it’s possibilities, than to sit there feeling sorry for myself about what has happened to me in the past.
Discipline goes hand in hand with motivation, which I didn’t really realise until this week when I saw this quote! Or maybe subconsciously I didn’t want to believe it, as I’m definitely not good with discipline!
Me and discipline definitely don’t go hand in hand together skipping down the lane, kicking arse for being so great at staying strong! Staying away from nicotine, sugar, carbs, alcohol, men (well that I am very good at now, as I have been able to hold down a man for over two and half years) doesn’t come easy to me. Well come on let’s be honest who can have so much discipline, that they clearly have no naughtiness in their lives? Ok if there are people who have discipline and willpower in their lives, I applaud you plus I am secretly envious of you and want you to fail! Hey, I’m human come on you can’t tell me you never secretly wanted someone to fail! If you haven’t, I applaud you too aren’t you a decent human being!
Any who when I saw this quote, something clicked! I tell you now that my motivation lasts for around two weeks. I have a cheeky cheat day or cigarette and then I’m straight back to the beginning again. Even sitting here typing this up, in the back of my mind my brain is telling me “ heyyyyyyy you are feeling a bit stressed out, do you know what would help and make you feel better? Having a sneaky fag will certainly help. Go and buy a packet I know you want to”. Yes yes yes what I give for a cigarette right now. To give me some guilty pleasure for five minutes. For the moment I am staying disciplined, but I really don’t know how long it will last for!
For the longest time it has been a battle with being good with what I put in my mouth (talking about food). I always linked it with not having great motivation, but I also lack discipline. Don’t get me wrong I know it is good to have discipline, but I personally find having a routine and having good habits sort of boring. Which is clearly why I am in constant battle with myself. There have been times when I am disciplined, have plenty of motivation plus willpower is in the background too. Unfortunately, my need to gorge on junk food and all the things that are bad for you but tastes so damn good is sometimes higher! I’m not saying that I will never touch junk food and all the naughty things again, but I need to learn that I have to have more discipline. If I want to see results and feel good about myself, I need to be more aware of what I put in my mouth. It’s ok to have a treat once in a while but not daily!
It’s the same with smoking! Such a dirty habit to have, but I actually enjoy having a menthol cigarette. Especially when it is Summertime when the sun does shine, if England is actually having good weather and you are sitting with friends outside it’s tempting to smoke. The thing is that in the past I have given up smoking. This one time I didn’t touch a cigarette for 14 months. I know I can give up but my desire for a cigarette is way, way higher than my will not to smoke. It’s something I am working on. I haven’t smoked for three days now but that’s only because I’m skint!
That also leads on to the fact that my discipline not to spend money on things I feel that I need, but don’t is very low as well. In the past I have had my mother dearest bail me out of financial difficulty or the boyfriend leading me some dollar (and I am paying them back). This month though I declined help from the lover, and I haven’t asked my mother to help me out either. Realising that I need to have discipline when it comes to finance, as it is one stress I don’t need. I can help myself by actually not buying items of clothing from Boohoo or Missguided, just in case I need 12 bikinis when I next go on holiday!
On Saturday night I decided that I needed to have an action plan, so when I don’t feel motivated I will still have some discipline. I love making lists, as it makes me feel organised and in control of my life somehow. That is what I did, I made a list of what I am going to do and what to keep on top of for the next two weeks. You know what, it makes me so much better knowing that I have written down what needs to be done. Hopefully I have the discipline, to then complete everything I wrote to do on that list!
I don’t know about you but I have always wanted people’s approval, even when I was a tot. Always trying to people please so they will automatically like me, because well I’m a bloody nice person that’s why! However people and their personalities made that difficult for me, so there are people who aren’t huge fans of mine! Shock horror I know! I’m a bloody delight no one could actually dislike me, but there are humans who can’t stand me and they are entitled to their opinion. Even though I’m a sensitive soul, so deep down I am actually thinking, “fuck you, I’m not going to like you either you twat”.
There have been certain situations throughout the years that people decided to dislike me without any real reason. That's fine, but when they are a person that you have to smile at, actually be nice to them because they are part of a social circle that you got dragged into, that’s when it get’s difficult for me!
I’m not about that fake life! Sorry not sorry! I get it you have be nice to save face, because you want to be seen as the nice person but you are the actual knobhead. I rather have someone be honest with me and get it out of the way! We aren’t always going to see eye to eye but I rather someone be honest with me. Than be all fake smiles, giving me dagger looks when they think I can’t see them doing it and then the bitching in the corner because they can’t say all those lovely things they are saying about me to my actual face!
I found it immensely difficult to realise that it is none of my business why someone doesn’t like me. It shouldn’t really matter, most of the time the feeling is actually mutual, but it still bruises my ego.
Instead of worrying about why certain people dislike me, I should concentrate on actually liking myself as a person! It shouldn’t be anyone’s job to like me, or forcing people to like me. I should like myself, but I find that hard to do.
Sitting there trying to think of things I like about myself, is a hard task to do. The thing is, I want people to desperately like me but sometimes I don’t even like me! Work that one out!
Writing all this down makes me realise, that it actually really doesn’t matter if someone adores me or not! What actually matters, is that I need to start liking myself and the person I have become! To stop putting myself down, to stop letting people’s actions and opinions get to me so much. To also remind myself that it isn’t someone’s job to like me it’s mine!
Anxiety sucks balls literally! Unless someone who likes to suck balls well good for them, but I can’t say that it is enjoyable sexual act. Anyways I digress, when I was younger I never knew what anxiety was. Maybe the fact that I hid my anxiety by self medicating with alcohol or sticking my head in the sand ( I did that a lot in my early/mid twenties). Those days are behind me now, but anxiety is still lurking always bloody lurking. Choosing the most random times to jump out at me and say “here I am bitch I’m here to ruin your day”.
I didn’t realise I suffered with anxiety, until I was faced with the fact that I used alcohol to self medicated which kept it all at bay. To be honest, I haven’t always been the most chilled out person. Don’t get me wrong I know breathing techniques, practising yoga, getting my mindfulness on,using apps to deal with anxiety can help but actually putting the work in is the difficult part!
Dealing with anxiety feels like you have no way out, your mind goes into overdrive and once you get to that point, it’s feels like you are sinking trying so desperately to catch your breathe. It can be the tiniest little thing, that can spark off my anxiety. I end up feeling like a complete tool, beating myself up that I let myself get to that point in the first place! Instead of actually using the tips that I have that do work, it feels like I want to punish myself and of course throw myself a self pity party!
I’m still trying to get my head round having anxiety, there have been times when I really thought that there was no light at the end of the tunnel. But somehow there always is. I just want everything to end up alright in the end, but to happen in like a day or two. Which isn’t always the case, patience isn’t a skill I have quite mastered yet.
There have been many occasions,where I have sat there brooding about situations that haven’t even occurred yet and will more than likely never happen. Situations where someone will have a go at me or mug me off in one way or another. By doing this the anxiety slowly bubbles to the surface, which then leads me to then think “ fuck everything is going to go wrong”. It’s the daydreamer in me. Instead of seeing the best in someone or a situation,I automatically think the worst. I know doing this is not practical at all, but changing your mind set can be a difficult task.
Though plenty of people tell me that things will be ok and give me plenty of advice plus plenty of reassurance, my brain likes to tell me otherwise. I’m stubborn like that! What I need to try and do is to actually be kind to myself, instead of letting my imagination run away with me. Like everything else it is a working progress. Being aware that I have anxiety means that I know what to work on. I still think anxiety sucks balls but I also know that I can work on not letting anxiety win!
Growing up and to be honest on most days I want to be tall, slim, long thick shiny blonde hair, sparking blue eyes, have a big bust and have long legs also a natural all year tan wouldn't go amiss either. Unfortunately it was my brother who ended up being tall, slim with blue eyes ( he got the Polish genes). Where I ended up not so slim (which I know most people will disagree), dark hair, dark eyes and short! Life can be cruel sometimes! Ok that is dramatic but come on it is a bit unfair!
People say that in today's society we are under so much pressure to look a certain way. In many cases yes, but I think society has always put people under pressure to look a certain way. Maybe more so now due to social media, which can be a good tool to stay in contact with friends and family, find amazing places to go on holiday or to eat ( by pretending you have the money to do all that, but your bank account says otherwise) but most of the time social media can cause stress, anxiety and unnecessary drama!
I know it has affected me over the years when skinny was the big thing with massive tits, having hair extensions, lip fillers (luckily I was blessed with good lips), the fake look the list goes on. I am grateful that the whole thick thighs, going to the gym and weightlifting is now in. Looking at social media I noticed that there wasn't many girls with the same body build to mine, but these days that isn't the case. I'm in the range of not skinny but not on the large side, have big thighs but a small waist, having medium sized boobs but having chunky arms. I definitely think in my eyes that I don't have the desired body at all.
Many people tell me to shut up when I say "I look so fat", and they have every right to they disagree with me. That should make me feel great but it doesn't. Maybe I have every high standards for myself as I am always give myself a hard time. There are times though, when I look in the mirror and realise that I'm not as hideous as I think I am. To be honest I contradict myself on so many levels.
Sometimes I feel so confident in my appearance and I know that people find me attractive but there are times where I think Jesus I’m so ugly, I need a paper bag over my head. I wish it was easy to love yourself but I find it too damn hard.
Maybe one day I will be able to look in the mirror and instead of pointing out all the things I dislike about myself, I will point out the things I do like myself. It is a tough habit to break though. I think it is important to learn to love yourself, but you have to find the right balance.
I try and do things that make me feel good about myself. I love getting my hair done as it makes me feel confident, having great hair. Putting some fake tan on always makes me feel sexy, even though it turns out a slight orange. Getting my arse to the gym also helps me out, as I see changes in my body so it gives me the motivation to keep going.
Learning to love oneself, is a big challenge for me but some days are a lot easier than others. I hope one day I can say I love myself and that to be the honest truth!
Stress! We hear it all the time. “I’m stressed out because of work” “ I’m stressed out because of life in general” “ I’m stressed out as I don’t have money and there’s so much I need to pay out for”. I could go on. The thing is there are times when I try my hardest to try and not stress myself out. But this week I have let rip and now I have calmed down I feel like a total twat!
If I actually step back, take a deep breathe and actually take a minute to actually think rationally, life isn’t all that bad! I just hate the feeling of not being in control and being mugged off ( that’s my ego which I need to keep in check all the time). The feeling of not being in control can be frustrating, which then leads me to feel anxious, which then leads me to overthink, then I start to feel nauseous and then I’m a nightmare to be around!
To be honest I’m not great at taking my own advice, or actually take on suggestions that I tell even residents where I work. I can easily say “things work out in the end” “try and do some mindfulness” “ I know it’s hard at the moment but you will get through it”. Do I listen to myself of course not! Instead I let me emotions take over and nine out of ten times I cry.
When a friend feels stressed out and feeling stuck I can easily talk with them, try to put things into action on situations they can control and say that the parts that they can’t control, well things seem to work out in the end. You would think I would actually do what I say to others, but normally it isn’t the case. Well sometimes, maybe like the day after. But when I’m in the moment, I can be like a bull in a china shop and I’m not going to listen to what anyone has to say. What can I say I’m stubborn!
The thing is being stressed out get’s you nowhere. It’s easy to say don’t get stressed out, but thinking about it anxiety and stress are linked together. Anxiety is a pain in the arse and if I didn’t get anxiety, getting stressed out wouldn’t be such a problem. The way I see it is that yes I get anxiety, and it’s a feeling which can make life feel unbearable, but that is the time I need to get myself out of my head and focus on the positives than the negatives. It’s so much easier to think negative than to think positive. I know I get jump straight on the negativity “oh poor me my life is so stressful” “ I have had enough” “why me”. God just typing that I sound so dramatic, I want to slap myself across the face!
Stress I know doesn’t do me any good and looking back at the times when I thought bad things will never stop coming, they stopped in end. The situations that I felt powerless and felt that I couldn’t get through it, I did in time. Things do work out in the end, sometimes not in the way you want it to but it does in the end.
I know that I need to take a deep breathe, try and stay in the moment, not jump to conclusions and to remind myself stop being such a stressy bitch! Plus actually use the advice I give to others!
During this week like everyone else in the world I had a lot of choices to make! For example “Do I get stressed out that I have to pay out money that I don’t have on my car?” “Do I go to the gym or stay inside and binge watch Dynasty?” “Do I treat myself to a latte with coconut milk along with a croissant this morning?”. The decisions I made was no, as at the end of the day it is important for me to fix Charlie red plus I have my overdraft. No to the gym and yes to binge watching Dynasty, Whatttttt Mother Nature came along and I didn’t have the energy or motivation to exercise! I’m human after all! To the last question it was a yes! It can be stressful driving to work. Yes I know I am supposed to be saving (I’m not getting very far) but once in a while it’s nice to get a good coffee and munch down a delicious pastry! I see it as self care/self love, which people bang on about these days!
This week as made me realise that it is important to remember that we all have choices to make in life, however small and we are the ones who can decide how we play out the choices we choose. In the past I can admit that I played victim when times got too hard for me to deal with, I use to play the damsel in distress! "Look at poor me, I have been through so much shit lately! Feel sorry for me". I cringe looking back at what I use to do to get attention, I made the choice back then to throw myself many, many self pity parties. I admit I occasionally still do, but it is very rare these days. I grew up with grandparents and my mother, though they were and are loving, supportive people they also taught me tough love. I personally think it is a good thing, don't get me wrong there have been times when I was going through a dark time, me and mum butt heads so to speak, as she hasn't gone through depression. If you haven't gone through depression yourself it's hard to explain to someone that you can't just get up and feel better it is a process. On the other hand looking back now, my mother had a point. I had the choice to sit with the depression and feel sorry for myself, or I could have at least tried to move my arse from the sofa and tried to look on the positive side.
However mental health is a tricky business and unfortunately still is such a taboo subject and people having too many different opinions. I find it so jarring especially when I work in mental health. During this week I decided to pick up this book call The Choice by Edith Eger. Hence the title of this blog post. After reading the first couple of pages, I was hooked, I even underlined some inspiring quotes. It has been a while since anyone has really inspired me and Edith Eger has some very honest opinions, which I appreciate. She quoted that "Over time I learned that I can choose how to respond to the past, I can be miserable, or I can be hopeful- I can be depressed, or I can be happy. We always have that choice, that opportunity for control. I'm here, this is now, I have learned to tell myself, over and over, until the panicky feeling begins to ease". After reading that, I realised Edith has a point. Sure I can blame wanker ex partners, snaky friends or even bad luck, but it's me who has the power to control how I feel and how to deal with it.
Even though I haven’t finished Edith Eger book, which I highly recommend by the way, in some way she has given me hope. It is difficult these days to get the right information, advice or opinions but just reading a few pages from this book, it has opened my eyes. Edith goes on to say “Bad things, I am afraid, happen to everyone. This we can’t change. If you look at your birth certificate, does it say life will be easy? It does not. But so many of us remain stuck in a trauma or grief, unable to experience our lives fully. This we can change”. She is right yet again, me playing victim might have got the attention I wanted but it isn’t what I needed.
I have the choice to choose to be optimistic and have gratitude for what I have in my life. Don’t get me wrong, there will be times where I will feel low, stressed and have the bad emotions. If I didn’t that would be exhausting, you can’t be happy twenty four, seven. That would be ridiculous. However, instead of holding myself a self pity party, atomically I can remind myself that I have the choice.
As you can tell from previous blog posts, I do struggle with my weight. Some of you may think yeah right whatever, there is nothing with you. You may be right, but I do have a long term health condition which can make things difficult in the weight department. I am pretty open with the fact that I have PCOS (Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome). This subject about me having PCOS can get very embarrassing for me, but if you are interested in knowing what it is, then NHS choices is the best place to get the correct information.
When I was growing up I had no problems with my weight. I may of overindulged with food, but living with grandparents who liked to spoil us, it was hard to say no. My weight only became a problem when I hit my teens. Every other girl was having their monthly when I wasn't, so naturally my mother took me to the doctors. At the age of fifteen I got diagnosed, which I have to admit I count myself very lucky though I rather not have PCOS.
This is when the battle with my weight first began. Weight Watchers now known as WW, was very big in 2005 and I was desperate to try anything. With the consent of my mother (as you have to be over the age of 16, unless it is a health issue), I started my journey with WW. Don't get me wrong, in a year I lose around two and half stone. At this time I was dead against doing any form of exercise, so walking was the only form of exercise that I did. At sixteen I decided to join the under eighteen gym in Gillingham, but I tell you I literally went in there once for the induction. My weight did kind of stay off, but I was surround by people who just ate what they wanted so of course I ended up joining in. The weight went back on quickly and by the age of eighteen all the weight I lost I gained back, plus probably more. I tried to go back to WW on two other occasions, but it didn't last. I was too busy having fun, binge drinking and having plenty of junk food that you would consume after a night out out.
Between the ages of eighteen to twenty four my weight went up and down like a Yo Yo. There are too many photos that I have untagged on Facebook and deleted myself, as I don't want to be reminded of the times where I didn't feel or look the way I wanted to. I can't change the past (though sometimes I wish I could) those photos are horrendous, but there was change. Something just clicked and I decided that enough was enough. It was time to change how I feel about myself and I chose to do something drastic. I did do some exercise, a bit of jogging, a couple of boot camps and a bit of hill training, but nothing really stuck. Plus my diet was still really poor (junk food and binge drinking, still played a huge part at that time).
The thing I chose to do was the Insanity workout by Shaun T. I'm not telling you to do this, as it was gruelling plus it was high intensity, but I thought it was the only thing to kick start any sort of weight loss. Though it was gruelling, sometimes painful and by the end of each workout I was panting like a dog. It was worth it. I lost so many inches it was unbelievable and the results really did show. Shame I didn't keep the before and afterwards photos, as it was definitely an achievement.
Afterwards the weight kept off for a few years with my weight only slightly going up. I didn't drink for a while which really helped keep the weight down. Like I said in the beginning it is always a struggle to keep the weight off. I can't get away with eating what I like, as it slowly creeps up on me and I start to feel uncomfortable.
There are so many tips that I learnt throughout the years, that I always forget to put into practice as life gets in the way and my love for food.
I am a human who has very low willpower, I wish I could be one of those people who can go without having huge blowouts, able to manage their weight and love going to the gym. Plus have a body I would be proud to show off, all toned and tanned. Alas I'm not, plus I have to also remember to love the body I have and work hard towards a body I can be proud of.
Here are some tips that have worked for me over the years
1) Hard work pays off, if you put the effort in you get the results you want.
2) Try not worry too much about what the scales say, for me it can really ruin my day. Plus for me it is a trigger for me to say fuck it and have a big blowout.
3) Be mindful of what you put in your mouth ( I'm talking about food) I try to have breakfast, lunch and dinner with one snack, which is normally an apple with a side of peanut butter.
4) Try to drink plenty of water, herbal tea or sugar free flavoured water, especially after eating as I always feel that I am still hungry. This is probably because I eat way too quick, shovelling food in my mouth, like I have eaten for a week (such a bad habit).
5) Have the treat that your body is craving, and try not to beat yourself up if you have eaten badly for the day (or the week). I am terrible when it comes to this. Try and remember that you can re-start whenever, it doesn't make you a shit person just because you have fallen of the wagon. You can always jump back on!
6) Set yourself a weekly goal that you know that you can smash. This helps me to keep motivated and plus gives me some sort of achievement.
7) Choose a form of exercise that you know you will enjoy. Nothing worst, than doing a form of exercise that you loathe, you will just resent having to do it in the first place. I may complain about going to the gym, but when I get there I get in the zone and I end up enjoying doing a workout.
8) I personally am so rubbish at doing this, but when I do I know it works. Writing down and prepping meals for the week and to know what you are going to have, really does make a difference. When I don't do this, I definitely tend to eat so many more takeaways and junk food at work as it so accessible.
9) Take it one day at the time. I am so bad to wanting things to happen quickly, I have been healthy for one whole week I should be 9 stone now. That will never be the case, plus this is another trigger for me, so I know that things take time and doesn't happen over night.
10) Last but not least, please please please do not get drawn into buying these magically slimming coffees, detox teas, gummy bears that is apparently going to help you lose weight. If you eat healthy and keep active, trust me you will get the same results, plus save so much money in the long run.
I am the first to admit that I do not like stepping out of my little bubble of comfort, where I know it's nice and safe. Sure there are plenty of things I want to do and achieve, but there is always something there to stop me. It's too difficult, it's hard work, people don't like me, people are going to stare at me, I look pathetic, I look silly, "what's the point?". My excuses are endless. Every time I think that I am going to step out my comfort zone, anxiety and fear pulls me straight back to my bubble of doubt and excuses.
Having started this blog was a huge step for me. The doubts came flooding in from all directions.... "no one will read it", "people are going to judge me", "I'm not good enough", "my spelling and grammar is appalling". See my excuses are endless. Instead of listening to any of these doubts that I created for myself, for once I thought fuck it. Still four months on I am still writing on my blog. Trust me there have been many, many times where I thought of jacking it all in, but there are one or two people, who enjoy my blog and actually think I am a good writer ( I don't mean to blow my own trumpet, but it is nice to hear). Though I have pushed the negative comments that filter through my mind, there are so many other things that I am too frightened (how sad is that) to step out of my little bubble.
Fear, failure and rejection always plays a part of why I haven't done certain things. Sad but true. The days of me having so much confidence that I truly didn't give a shit what people thought of me are way gone. People will say bullshit, Tamara is full of confidence, so outspoken I don't believe that she can be shy. Yes maybe sometimes that is true, if I feel comfortable around certain people and I don't feel like I am being judged then I can truly be myself. Other times I do use the over confident Tamara to hide the fact, that I want people to like me and not be judged for what I do.
There are many times I thought to join like an all girls sport team, to keep fit, gain some friendships which I have found so tough since moving to the Midlands, but then I come up with the excuses. " I have no background in any sort of sport, " I will be rubbish", "none of the girls will like me", "I will look so stupid", " I will be laughed at" and of course "They will judge me". Still a year down the line I haven't even looked into it, as of course the fear of rejection and judgement is staring me right in the face.
It’s silly to think that I let those emotions stop me from doing certain things, but I see it as a working progress. Well not really I’m just lying to myself, I haven’t done anything to push myself out of my comfort zone at all. Finding the courage to realise that I shouldn’t care what people think of me or the fact that I may fail at something absolutely scares me. Writing this has made me realise that it is time to stop thinking and start doing!
I don’t want to regret looking back on life and thinking I wish I did that, but I was too scared to because I let negative thoughts, jumping to conclusions and people’s opinions stand in the way in what I wanted to do!
Let's be honest here, I for one wish if I could get away with eating whatever I fancied and not having to exercise without putting on any weight, plus having a body like Kendall Jenner, than I would. But no I wasn't blessed by the Gods, instead I’m 5'3, constantly battling with my weight (having PCOS is no picnic sometimes). Plus I don't have the wages to have myself my own private personal trainer and chef, with a private jet being able to fly to tropical destinations like Bali. Am I envious of rich, beautiful super models, of course not. Ok maybe I am, but I do try to be positive and be grateful with what I have. I will never be tall, skinny with perfect hair and skin, but I have the fact that I have....well that's difficult to write down as you might have guessed I am not very body confident. This is why it is important, to get back to eating healthy and getting my butt to the gym.
So something I do and probably not a great idea or habit is in fact to say that "I am having one more big blowout". Just like last Sunday, I decided as I have been bad over the weekend (yet again) I will treat myself to an Indian takeaway. I also in fact had a large battered sausage with chips on Friday too (I will regret these meals soon enough). Why oh why do I let my gut take over, instead of listening to my brain. "Doing one more big blow out" has to stop. This will be rule number one!
Rule number two, no naughty treats in the flat. I'm so bad, for example I ate my Reese's peanut butter Easter bunny, instead of saving it until Easter was over. Even Dave said I wouldn't be able to resist and damn it he was right, the bastard.
Anyways moving on to rule number three, drink plenty of water, along with herbal tea and sugar free flavoured water. I find water pretty bland.
Which moves us onto rule number four, have three meals a day, but only have one meal with carbs in. My body loves to hold onto carbs and sugar which ends up turning it into fat. So the best thing for me to do is to stay away from munching too much on beautiful, tasty carbs.
Rule number five, don't give myself such a hard time, take it one day at a time, it's not a race.
On to rule number six, do not and I repeat do not step on those bloody scales. Go by the way I feel about my body and if my clothes feel loose.
Having a love/hate relationship with going to the gym, making the effort to change into my gym gear, then actually leaving the flat and take the five to ten minutes walk to the gym is a pain. If I am not feeling the gym, I have to push myself to at least a workout at home. No excuses unless you know I'm ill or if Henry Cavill decided to take me out for dinner (sorry Dave). This will be rule number seven.
Last but not least rule number eight, to remember it isn't really about weight loss. It's about making me feel good and to make healthier choices. At the end of the day you only get one body, which to be honest is slowly giving up on me already.
If you want to try any of these rules I have set myself, please do. Let me know if you found any of the rules helpful.