I don’t know about you but I have to admit, I always have my hand hovering over a fuck it button, subconsciously nearly every single day. I have said fuck it to not going to the gym on numerous occasions. Pressing that button thousands of times when it comes to picking up a cigarette. Fuck it, to getting way too drunk, I have ended up having said or done things that I have regretted the next day. Getting with blokes that I knew I shouldn’t go near, pressing that big shiny red button (in my head it’s a big, massive red button with Fuck it in big black capital letters).
There are too many situations where I just said “fuck it, what is the worst thing that could happen”. The thing is though- is that most of the time I wake up saying “damn it, why did I do that” or “I have to go back to square one and start all over again”. Many times I have sat there, mulling over why I done it in the first place? Where is my willpower? God I am such a twat!
I always have an excuse as to why I have done a certain thing or have a funny story to tell, but I always end up most of the time repeating the same mistake again. I’m not saying that we can’t make mistakes or press the fuck it button once in a while, I just feel that I have pressed that button one too many times.
The fuck it button is definitely one of the barriers I use, so that I can get out of doing certain things. Especially when it comes to further education.
For years I have been on the fence about doing further education, (see I didn’t go to university, a story for another time). I began doing a maths course around three years ago. At first it wasn’t too bad but then they put me into a higher tier and well maths isn’t a subject I enjoy (come on who really enjoys maths?). Soon afterwards, I made up the excuse that I have a full time job so I wouldn't be able to carry on attending. I left it for a while and decided to try again last year, but then yet again, I pressed that button and blamed it on my shift patterns.
This year I actually researched about doing a course with the open university. I made the call and researched everything. I am still thinking of pressing that button before I have even started. The fact is pressing that button, is a lot easier to do than putting the hard work in. Like everything else, you have to work hard to achieve what you want out of life. I’m lazy plus more than likely, I am feeling apprehensive about going back into education. The fuck it button shouldn’t stand in the way of me achieving in life.
There should be another alternate button that I should be pressing. A button which is positive, plus not giving me excuses to give up when things get a bit tough. Don’t get me wrong, there are many things that I need to work on when it comes to saying “fuck it” (budgeting is certainly one). What I can say is that I am very aware, of what I intend to do when it comes to hard decisions. I am going to try my hardest not to press the fuck it button, as much as I normally do.
Last Friday night I was talking to an eighteen year old (God just writing that down makes me feel old) and he was explaining to me that lately he keeps get pied by the opposite sex. I was surprised to hear this, as when I do speak to him he is normally pretty confident when it comes to pulling girls. It made me remember the days when I used to get pied (surprising I know) and also the fact that I did my fair share of pieing too!
When I was single back in the day, there were times when blokes use to ghost me or basically used me to get laid (come on we all have been there, maybe more than once). It’s all part of growing up. Until I settled down with Dave which was nearly three years ago, I was still getting pied until meeting him and vice versa too. There were plenty of times that I thought Dave was going to ghost me too, but that never happened. He clearly knew that I was worth dating (or he is too scared to get rid of me).
Rejection is never nice, no one likes being told “I don’t feel the same way”. That’s a nice way to put it, as most people would just ignore the other person or block them from all social media hoping the person would take the hint. Which to be honest sometimes, some people really don’t get the hint which can get very awkward. I can put my hands up, cringe a bit and admit there has been one or two occasions where I didn’t get the hint, but I felt that I need to have some sort of closure which I did get in the end. I was also a bunny boiler on some occasions when it came to men and looking back now I really needed to be slapped in the face, to make me realise that there was so much forcing on my part. Desperately, I was trying way too hard to find my ‘Prince Charming’.
If I could go back now and talk to the younger version of myself, there would be way too many things I would have to say. First of all do not cut your hair (but that’s another story for another time) stop getting so bloody drunk (you are embarrassing yourself) and last of all stop trying so bloody hard when it come to men, plus you don’t need to use sex to make yourself appealing to blokes.
In total, I have been in seven relationships. Four of them literally lasted like two months, so you couldn’t really class them as relationships. The other two were long term and of course, I’m currently with Dave (which I am also hoping to stick with him, well he has no choice in the matter really). Out of the seven relationships, only two of them I actually found sexually attractive. Not saying the others were or aren’t nice to look at, but if you look at my mental state when I was with the other blokes you can clearly see that I wasn’t doing really well. Not their fault either, there were times that I was a lot to handle but they were far from perfect either.
It seemed like I was trying way too hard to find a boyfriend, when sometimes it was better for me to be on my own and embrace the single life. Sometimes I did, but maybe a bit too much (but a girl should be allowed to have fun, responsibly of course). To be honest I’m not a fan of dating, which is why most of the dates ended up not so well. One time at the end of a date I was given a high five, yes a high five and I ended being with him for like a month or two. You could see why that ended up not lasting very long, plus the communication between us two was pretty poor as well.
It sounds like I received a lot of pies in my life, which clearly makes me look and feel like a loser but what are you going to do? I may of been on the receiving line of many pies, but I also handed out many pies of my own. Sometimes, I wasn’t very nice, I once called someone a stalker and told them to go away ( I was very drunk but doesn’t excuse my behaviour towards that person). There were times where I am actually nice and respectful but one or two blokes clearly didn’t like being told that I wasn’t ready to date. What can I say they also clearly knew that I was a catch…
Getting pied isn’t nice, it can knock your confidence, self esteem, self worth and can make you feel that you will never find someone who wants to be your partner. There were many times, where I use to complain to the girls saying I will never find someone. When I stopped trying too hard to bag myself a man, started to concentrate on myself and enjoy being by myself then I was ready to have someone in my life. To be honest, it is never nice to get pied but it doesn’t mean that you won’t find someone who is right for you in the end.
Since I can remember, even from a young age I have always been able to eat large quantity of food. Let's say it is one of my many talents, that I provide the world with. One of the first challenges which spring to mind was when I was around ten years old, and my ex step-dad dared me to eat a three course meal (it was around Christmas time). None of the family believed that I would conquer a prawn cocktail salad with a bread roll, a roast dinner and a chocolate pudding without no trouble. Well they were all wrong. I munched my way through those three meals without no struggle (Ok there was some struggle near the end, but I'm no quitter). This I feel, was a start of a beautiful love/hate relationship with food.
Living in a household with Eastern European grandparents (I'm very proud of my heritage) there was always plenty of food around. I can say that my grandmother had an unhealthy relationship with food, as during the second world war she went through starvation at a very young age, so she always wanted to make sure that me and my brother were always stuffed with food. I know I wasn't complaining, we were very spoilt children. My granddad (who I used to call Kiki) use to make us ice cream floats. For those people who have no idea what I am talking about, an ice cream float is a drink where you either use cream soda or coke and then top it off with a scoop of vanilla ice cream. If you haven't tried this delicious drink, you have not yet lived and I tell you to go and try it out as soon as you can. For a treat of course. We always got sent off to school with a full stomach of either scrambled eggs with bacon, with a side of tomato sauce and two pieces of bread and butter or my all time favourite, a big bowl of spaghetti and sausage with two pieces of toast layered with butter. Like I said we were spoilt. My Grandmother was also a big and I mean a big fan of a good takeaway. We lived off a long main road in Brixton called Acre Lane, which was notoriously known as a pretty dangerous road but that is where all the good takeaway shops were at. On a weekly basis, we would have our weekend treat which could range from a greasy Chinese (the lady was on first name terms with my grandmother) to a greasy kebab. It was our choice, weren't we lucky!
Fortunately back in the day though I did love watching way too much television, I was still a very active child. Luckily the weight did stay off, but then puberty started so I wasn't able to eat like a horse as the weight slowly started to pile on. When I started secondary school I was still living in London and I spent one year going to an all girls Catholic secondary school, which I loved. Though I was doing well at this school, my diet however wasn't. The amount of food I was eating was gluttonous. Looking back at what I would eat on a daily basis back then does shock me. For one small girl I was probably eating for four small girls, no word of a lie. In a day I would munch through a sausage roll or two- washing it down with a bottle of full sugar Ribena. Then when I arrived at school if I had spare money left over (most of the time I did, spoilt remember) I would go to the canteen, where I would purchase a bacon roll (or two) alongside a hot chocolate. Oh I would also eat a banana as I "didn't like having breakfast" that was my excuse. I would probably have a snack or two before lunch, then at lunch, eat a full meal probably with a dessert as well. Then after school, if I had some change left over I would get another snack before getting the bus back home. When reaching home I was handed dinner which was definitely an adult size portion, stuff that in my face and then more than likely ask for dessert straight afterwards as I was still hungry. Most of the time the dessert was ice cream, either Vienetta, a Fab or a Cornetto. But I couldn't just have one could I- that would be bizarre, I would have to eat two or at least half the block of Vienetta. I was certainly unstoppable.
Looking back at my eating habits, since I was a young girl, I realise I ate my feelings. I didn't realise I did that but clearly I did ( sometimes still do). Food sometimes can be such a comfort for me, as food can't judge me plus I have the control of what I put in my gob. In some ways I have been fighting addiction to food for many years, without even realising it. Like self medicating in way. I know I definitely did that with alcohol, during my teens and early twenties. It's a lot easier to get a drive thru KFC, than to work on yourself and look at why you feel that way. Eating a calorific meal is certainly more satisfying, but you still have to deal with your shitty emotions the next day. It's one big cycle, going around and around which makes you feel dizzy and overwhelmed. It feels like you cannot win.
Though I brush it off as joke, when people comment on my large portions or say things like "where do you put it" "you’ve got a healthy appetite" and "you can't be able to eat all that". It's probably a subject I don't want to face as I always tell myself, "I know what to do" "I need to stop eating so much" and of course "I need to get back to exercising". What I have come to realise while writing this post is that, for many years I have been in a vicious cycle and I always end up beating myself up about it. Like a lot of the time I put my head in the sand, hoping nothing isn't going to bite me on the arse. But of course it does and it bloody hurts.
Most of the time I feel out of control so that's why I reach for devilish food, which are high in saturated fat, high in sugar, high in salt because those sort of foods are addictive and make me feel warm inside and give me that boost I need. Just typing this up, I want to get hold of myself and shake me while saying "bitch, what the hell are you doing, stop being in denial and get your shit together". Like I have said in past blog posts, it is so much more easier to say things than to physically do it at all.
The brain can be stubborn, you can be in complete denial and blind to the fact that you have a problem in the first place. I know for a fact my brain is like that most of the time, but sometimes I let my guard down and realise I need to get out of this routine that I am in. It's not an easy thing to do and more than likely I will over eat again (habits are hard to break) but I am fully aware of the things I have to do, so I don't end up in another vicious cycle again.
This post may cause offence to some people and I do apologise for that, but it is a subject that a lot of people have so many views and opinions on. What I am talking about is that a lot of people will reach for medication first, as they think it will sort out all their problems.
I am very aware that there are people out there, that have to take certain medications so they can live or function. For my mum for example (I asked for her permission first to disclose this information), has to take thyroxine for the rest of her life (she has an under active thyroid). Without taking this medication, she would eventually die. Modern medicine is amazing don’t get me wrong, but at the same time what I have come to notice (this is my personal opinion, not everyone will agree with me ) that in today’s society, a lot of people want to take the easy route and take medication first, before trying different avenues.
Through personal experience, with my PCOS the only thing that is available to help with the irregular cycles was to put me on the pill. This was a no, no. To give me medication, that has hormones in was a huge mistake. I tried so many different types of contraceptive pills, but each one made me either have erratic mood swings, make my face look like a dot to dot colouring page book (the acne was awful) or made me feel suicidal. Hence why I don’t touch the pill. However, instead of trying out so many different pills, I know deep down what I really had to do. I’m not saying, everyone can do this and everyone will be cured. That isn’t the case, what I am saying is that if I truly looked at myself back then, dig deep to find some motivation. I know if I looked at my lifestyle and changed it, my symptoms won’t be as bad. When I was first diagnosed at 15, I changed my eating habits, was slightly a bit more active and low and behold the weight came off slowly and surely.
I have always known that with PCOS, that at this present moment there isn’t a cure for it and sure some women have it worse than others. However, even though it is bloody hard work, I know as I have been battling with my weight since I was 15, that if I step away from the junk food, actually move my arse and exercise regularly my PCOS symptoms aren’t as difficult to manage.
The thing is, and I’m the first person to admit most of us are addicted to something or other. Being drugs, alcohol, nicotine, medication, sugar, junk food, caffeine, gambling, porn, on line shopping. Some of us though may not be addicted, do however have bad habits, like having a cheeky fag, going to the Starbucks drive thru and getting an iced latte alongside a croissant to go, as you didn’t have breakfast before heading off to work, or skipping the gym as if you go at 8pm you will miss love island. Ok, these are some my bad habits but you can see what I am getting at.
One thing I can’t stand are hypocrites and I don’t want to go on saying that I am the picture of health (clearly I’m not,seeing the paragraph above) but I just feel that some people just want the easy way out. This is also from personal experience working as a health trainer and also working in mental health. Medication is the first thing that is brought up and encouraged to take. Don’t get me wrong, like I said early on, I know some people need to take medication but sometimes changing ones lifestyle can make a difference too.
We live in a world where everything is so accessible, which can be amazing but sometimes harmful. There was a time when I was going through depression, a doctor was more than happy to prescribe anti depressants to me. Well I took three days of this medication and I thought to myself, I can’t do this. My problems will still be here even if I take this pill. I knew deep down if I look at myself and deal with the problems that were going on, sort out my lifestyle then I wouldn’t have to take medication. I know this isn’t the case for everyone and anti depressants help many people, but I knew it wasn’t for me.
It’s a hard thing to work on yourself, that’s the problem. It’s difficult to face yourself head on. I can certainly say that I have fallen off the wagon plenty of times, when it comes to looking after my mental and physical well being. It’s tough being a human being, and it’s easy to try and get help by sometimes taking an easier route. I just feel that though it can be tough, that sometimes just making a few lifestyle changes can make a difference. It’s too easy these days, to give into pressures of taking medication.
Remember this is my personal view on this subject. A subject that has many opinions, views and case studies. I just feel that changing a lifestyle for the better, can’t be that awful. That trying is better than not trying at all.
Let’s be truly honest here, more than likely someone close to you or you personally deal with mental health difficulties. You may feel like you are the only one, as mental health is still a taboo subject. People say ignorant things like “oh that person is crazy” or “she is weird” or “he’s gone mad”. What I have noticed lately is most people love to attach a label to themselves or others. I have this, plus that, oh I have that too, it goes on. The thing is I feel that people let that label define them as a person, but it really shouldn’t.
Labels are just labels at the end of the day. You can get diagnosed with so many different mental health conditions, trust me the list is bloody endless! Having a mental health condition or difficulty can be bloody tough. I know my brain likes to make me overthink, which then leads to anxiety. There have been times when I have had a panic attack. There have also been plenty of times when I have what I call a meltdown. It’s tough to be human in society. We all have blooming problems. Some people worse than others for sure, but it shouldn’t always be used as an excuse as well.
We don’t go around with a banner every single day, with a list of health conditions we have do we? Everyone is allowed to have an opinion and yes, it is brave to let people know that you have a mental health condition. Instead of seeing it as a thing to complain about and dwell on how crap it is to have one (which I noticed so many people do). You can also try and embrace it. I know it is a lot easier to say it than to actually do it but, it might also maybe give you a slightly more positive outlook on life.
It’s not just with mental health I have come across, some people saying “oh it’s harder for me to lose weight because I have this health condition” or this and that. That may be true, but it really grinds my gears when someone says to me “oh you must be lucky that you are able to keep your weight down” (my mother also experiences this as well, as she has an under active thyroid but she is slim). I’m not lucky! I work (most of the time) to try and keep my weight down, by low and behold exercising on a regular basis. I also try, sometimes to keep an eye on what I eat. Portion control, eat my five a day, drink plenty of water and stay away from foods which are high in fat/sugar in them. It’s that simple it’s putting the work in.
Being a human being in general is hard work. It does feel like sometimes you just can’t win. The thing is though some of us want to give up so easily and not work on ourselves. We want someone to do the work for us or to blame it on someone else. Personal and life experiences build you as a person and how you perceive life. The great thing is, you can change if you are willing to. You can change your habits and you can change your outlook on life. That’s the beauty of change, you are constantly changing. Not just in looks but your views, how you see yourself and others, your attitude to life and to situations as well.
Don’t let a label get you down. You, yourself have the power to choose to let a health condition or mental health condition define you as a person. You can sit there and let it get to you, or you tell yourself screw this I’m better than this. I’m so much more than a mental/health condition. Just because I have a condition, doesn’t mean I can’t get on with life and achieve things
So at the age of twenty nine, I to have say I’m not gutted to be single.Though no relationship is perfect plus being in a relationship can be hard work, being single I feel these days is even harder. There are always pros and cons of being in a relationship and being single, but I can safely say that I am content being in a relationship.
How do I come to this conclusion, well watching Love Island of course. Yes, I watch the show that people either love or hate. I can say that I enjoy watching the show because, gone are the days when I had gossip to share with the girls and there was drama about a boy every other week. Yes I know it isn’t a good reason to why I watch the show, but it is a guilty pleasure of mine.
While watching the show, I have come to realise that people are so quick to change their mind on a person, when someone new comes in. The dating game is a minefield. Yes I know it is different as they are stuck in a villa, plus it is a game show but they have the same emotions and feelings as all of us do.
It feels so intense and most of the people in the villa, have admitted that they don’t like to talk about their emotions. Who really likes talking about how they are feeling? Even if you don’t it will be difficult for a relationship to work, as being in a relationship is a two way street. It is so hard to put yourself out there. The fear of rejection, or the fact the person who you are attracted to may not feel the same way (Amy and Curtis for example).
I remember the days, where I would keep my feelings to myself about a bloke because I didn’t want to be rejected. That never worked anyways, as I would be so cringe. I would probably get drunk and tell the bloke anyways. Or the fact I was so obvious about how I felt, they would know anyway. Rejection is a very very hard pill to swallow, but I think everyone goes through rejection at least once in their life. If you haven’t well I would love to know your secret!
Getting involved with another human is a difficult thing to do in the first place. Letting someone in, being open with someone is tough. When dating you have to be willing to open up, plus you don’t know if the other person is dating other people too. That’s when it gets even more tricky.
I count myself lucky that me and Dave were friends first and that our relationship developed. If we were both dating other people, who can say we would be together now. We both told each other that weren’t talking to other people,which made it a lot more simple for us to say let’s be together. It isn’t always that easy, especially when people use dating apps like tinder and POF. As you can see that I am out of the loop of all these new dating apps! I got confused talking to like eight blokes on one app, god knows what people do who have like twenty people on the go. It must be exhausting. I think some people are greedy, they want to have their cake and want eat it too.
To think of myself single now I wouldn’t know what to bloody do, if I had to go back out there and date! Watching shows like Love Island, make me really appreciate my relationship with the other half. It also reminds me that dating in this day and age is definitely not an easy game to play.
I know that I can put my hands up and admit, that I always look on Instagram and end up being so jelly seeing people enjoying their holidays to exotic destinations. Always feeling so envious of people lifestyles being able to socialise with family, friends enjoying life. Sitting on the sofa wishing that I had more money to do whatever I want, being able to have a job where I would be able to travel and socialise on a weekly basis. However that isn’t the case for me.
Don’t get me wrong life could be so much worse for me and to be honest life isn’t bad at all. A lot of people would see me as lucky, but then others may not think so. What I have to remind myself on a daily basis is, is that there is always someone who is going to be better off than you and there is someone else who will have less than me!
Yes there were times where life threw me some huge curveballs l, but fortunately I got through it. It made me the person I am today, which I can definitely say I am grateful for. We as humans are always normally comparing our lives to others, which shouldn’t be the case. Plus the fact if I want to have a different job, actually socialise, learn something new, step out of my comfort zone. It’s all up to me to do those changes, I shouldn’t be envious of people having amazing holidays and making memories. Instead it should inspire me to push myself. To also make me realise that I should be grateful for my life, the memories I have made, the memories I am going to make, the things I have in my life.
Even the simple things that most of us take for granted, which I know I certainly do. Especially when I do get sucked into social media envy mode. The simple things that I am grateful though I don’t always show it, like having a close circle of friends and though I don’t live near them they are always there for me. My family who are also not close by but always keep in touch. Having a partner who puts up with my crap. Being able to have a bed to sleep on, having the facilities to cook and shower. The luxury of driving a car, that I can certainly say I forget being grateful for ( probably because I have spent some much money on it this year). A job, where I work with good people, have a steady income and where I am still constantly learning about myself.
Gratitude I feel is an attitude (which I just realised actually spells out most of the word), where having gratitude can keep you grounded, humble and make you realise what is important in life. Yes it would be nice not to have to worry about finances, sawn off to beautiful destinations without a care in the world, wear designer gear, drive a top of the range car. But those things really don’t matter at the end of the day. Being happy and content with what you have right now, is all that matters. To also know that if you want those things, you have to work towards them. If that is what you truly want.
There have been many times where the past has played a role in how I react to certain situations and how I deal with relationships either personal or work related. I definitely told people ‘my story’ to get a reaction. The reactions I wanted to get was shock with a touch of sympathy. Yes, there was a period where there was certainly one bad situation that lead to another. A snowball effect as people say. I wanted people to see me as the victim. “Poor Tamara she has gone through such a huge ordeal! Bless her she’s gone through so much. What a trooper”. Yes, I did go through a period where it seemed that all I was receiving was bad luck. It lasted for around six months. Six months where anxiety was at an all time high, I lost weight as for once I couldn’t really eat (due to anxiety). I was technically made homeless but luckily my mum and stepdad let me move in with them. Unfortunately, I had to leave my life in Kent because they lived in Milton Keynes. A breakdown in a relationship occurred, I was also jobless, and I lost a loved one too. Plus, I had two minor operations as well to add to the mix.
So, it wasn’t a fantastic six months, but I am a strong believer that things happen for a reason. Plus, I realise now that I shouldn’t have acted like the victim, pleading sympathy for anyone who would listen to my sad story. Instead of focusing on the negatives of the situations that occurred over those six stressful, painful months. I should have seen the positive aspects instead. However, what I have also come to realise from a personal perspective, is that it so difficult to focus on positives than the negatives. For me it is anyways.
At the end of the day, I survived it, I’m still standing (Elton John’s song just literally came to my head when writing that). Don’t get me wrong, I wouldn’t want to relive those six months again. But those six months did give me strength, support and knowledge. Those months taught me a few things.
First of all I’m not special, people go through a lot more than what I had to deal with (just get over myself). To stop playing victim all the time, it’s unhealthy, pessimistic and then you become one of those people who dwell on the past. Someone who can never really move on, constantly looking at the past not moving forwards. That yes it was a tough, stressful and uncomfortable but it made me a stronger person. Plus, it also showed me who my true friends were, it was nice to finally get rid of some toxic people from my life. The love and support from my family was amazing, they always have my best interest at heart and for the fact I am always grateful. Though I shouldn’t dwell on it, it was an awful six months and some of the things that did occur were traumatic. That’s ok, it will take time to move past it and that is ok too. I am human and it was a lot to take in. No wonder I was constantly on the edge of an emotional breakdown. Last of all its life. Life is sometimes shit. It isn’t always going to be a bed of roses (whatever that means). Life does deal you situations where you are like, fuck off I don’t have time for this! It happens and it is crap, but it does pass. Most of the time it’s not at the pace I want it to go, but it does eventually pass.
You can think about the past and the lessons it given you. Sometimes you even learn from them. I just personally feel that it can become so unhealthy, to think of the negative past situations. You can get sucked into that sort of cycle, where you want to play the victim to get sympathy and hold those self pity parties, that I have spoken about in the past! The thing is it really gets you nowhere. Just reliving painful, stressful moments which can cause you to feel anxious and damn right shit. I know it can be frustrating to hear that, as it is a lot easier to say things than to actually do them physically.
It took me a good few years, to finally admit that those six months were shit but I don’t want to bitch about it anymore. What it has taught me that I am a lot stronger than I think I am. Plus I rather think about the future and it’s possibilities, than to sit there feeling sorry for myself about what has happened to me in the past.
Is there something wrong with me? I don’t know if anyone feels this way, but I constantly worry if I am liked by people. Since moving to Milton Keynes, it has been difficult to make friendships! Actually writing this down I feel like a complete loser!
When I was younger it was so much easier to make friendships, maybe because I spent most of my teenage and early adult life in Medway where everyone knows everyone! Milton Keynes is a place where I feel that making friendships is hard work, or just maybe people don’t want to be friends with me. It’s hard not to jump to negative thoughts but I can’t be the only one? Surely not? I can’t be the only person who has moved to a new city and found it immensely difficult to form new friendships!
Don’t get me wrong I have an amazing group of girlfriends but unfortunately they live down South, so it’s difficult to just pop round, go out for dinner or go out as it’s a two hour journey down to Kent. I sound like Billy no mates, but I just feel that sometimes the people that I do know that live my way, can’t seem to stand me! I know deep down that it is more than likely totally untrue, but I find it difficult to put myself out. Purely because I hate the feeling of rejection (no one does really- do they?) plus when you get to a certain point in your life, it can be difficult to fit in being sociable. It can also be the fact that people already have their friendship groups. It’s just hard not to take it personally.
To find your group of people can be just as tough as finding a partner. It can be exhausting and most of the time, I’m like fuck it. I can’t be bothered. There are times where I am like, maybe I should join a group, try a new sport etc. I have done this, but even then I’m like I’m not putting myself out there, I look bloody desperate. It feels like I cannot win.
However the friendships I do have I truly do appreciate. I have some friends who have been in my life for a very long time ( unfortunately they are stuck with me). Friends, who support me, keep my motivated and like me for me. Having these friendships are most important, as I know that they will always be there for me. Unfortunately none of them really live that close to me, but we always try our hardest to meet up when we can. And when we do it’s like we have never been apart and being surrounded by good friends, makes me feel pretty damn happy (sad but true).
Friendships, like any relationship is a two way street. Communication, compromise and having friends who don’t make you feel like shit, I feel is very important. I’m not saying that I have no friends where I live now, that isn’t the case ( I’m not so much a loser, as I think). I just feel it is more difficult to be myself and not knowing if they like my company or not. I’m probably not making that much effort too, but I do find it hard.
I have realised that when you are at that sort of age where people are settling down etc, people don’t want to or don’t have the time to socialise any more. If I am truly being honest here, these days I’d rather stay in and binge watch Netflix and then go to bed. But then I see plenty of people of all ages socialising and having fun with friends, so God knows. Maybe I am just over thinking like I naturally do. Just maybe, it’s just me being over sensitive, just sometimes I feel that I am completely alone and I hate that feeling.
Discipline goes hand in hand with motivation, which I didn’t really realise until this week when I saw this quote! Or maybe subconsciously I didn’t want to believe it, as I’m definitely not good with discipline!
Me and discipline definitely don’t go hand in hand together skipping down the lane, kicking arse for being so great at staying strong! Staying away from nicotine, sugar, carbs, alcohol, men (well that I am very good at now, as I have been able to hold down a man for over two and half years) doesn’t come easy to me. Well come on let’s be honest who can have so much discipline, that they clearly have no naughtiness in their lives? Ok if there are people who have discipline and willpower in their lives, I applaud you plus I am secretly envious of you and want you to fail! Hey, I’m human come on you can’t tell me you never secretly wanted someone to fail! If you haven’t, I applaud you too aren’t you a decent human being!
Any who when I saw this quote, something clicked! I tell you now that my motivation lasts for around two weeks. I have a cheeky cheat day or cigarette and then I’m straight back to the beginning again. Even sitting here typing this up, in the back of my mind my brain is telling me “ heyyyyyyy you are feeling a bit stressed out, do you know what would help and make you feel better? Having a sneaky fag will certainly help. Go and buy a packet I know you want to”. Yes yes yes what I give for a cigarette right now. To give me some guilty pleasure for five minutes. For the moment I am staying disciplined, but I really don’t know how long it will last for!
For the longest time it has been a battle with being good with what I put in my mouth (talking about food). I always linked it with not having great motivation, but I also lack discipline. Don’t get me wrong I know it is good to have discipline, but I personally find having a routine and having good habits sort of boring. Which is clearly why I am in constant battle with myself. There have been times when I am disciplined, have plenty of motivation plus willpower is in the background too. Unfortunately, my need to gorge on junk food and all the things that are bad for you but tastes so damn good is sometimes higher! I’m not saying that I will never touch junk food and all the naughty things again, but I need to learn that I have to have more discipline. If I want to see results and feel good about myself, I need to be more aware of what I put in my mouth. It’s ok to have a treat once in a while but not daily!
It’s the same with smoking! Such a dirty habit to have, but I actually enjoy having a menthol cigarette. Especially when it is Summertime when the sun does shine, if England is actually having good weather and you are sitting with friends outside it’s tempting to smoke. The thing is that in the past I have given up smoking. This one time I didn’t touch a cigarette for 14 months. I know I can give up but my desire for a cigarette is way, way higher than my will not to smoke. It’s something I am working on. I haven’t smoked for three days now but that’s only because I’m skint!
That also leads on to the fact that my discipline not to spend money on things I feel that I need, but don’t is very low as well. In the past I have had my mother dearest bail me out of financial difficulty or the boyfriend leading me some dollar (and I am paying them back). This month though I declined help from the lover, and I haven’t asked my mother to help me out either. Realising that I need to have discipline when it comes to finance, as it is one stress I don’t need. I can help myself by actually not buying items of clothing from Boohoo or Missguided, just in case I need 12 bikinis when I next go on holiday!
On Saturday night I decided that I needed to have an action plan, so when I don’t feel motivated I will still have some discipline. I love making lists, as it makes me feel organised and in control of my life somehow. That is what I did, I made a list of what I am going to do and what to keep on top of for the next two weeks. You know what, it makes me so much better knowing that I have written down what needs to be done. Hopefully I have the discipline, to then complete everything I wrote to do on that list!