There is no wonder why I have untagged and deleted so many unflattering photos of me over the last ten years! Just last night I was going through my friends Facebook, and was faced with pictures of me, that showed horrendously drunk, overweight, questionable hairstyles (God knows why I thought short hair suited me, it really doesn't) and outfits that shouldn't have been worn, staring back at me on my phone. Somehow wished I could go back in time, and tell my embarrassing, chubby, insecure teenage self to not use alcohol to self-medicate, study, only wear clothes that flatter you and for god sake, don't touch your bloody hair! Unfortunately, time travel hasn't happened yet and those pictures will always be there, but at least I can say I have matured better with age.
The battle with my weight started from when I left primary school, where my metabolism was giving up on me and I was unable to indulge in sugary and fatty foods. When I first started secondary school, the amount of food I consumed was definitely over indulgent. In the morning before I headed out, a banana was given to me as my favourite line would be "it's too early to eat breakfast". My grandad or mother would then take me on the bus to get to school. After getting off the bus it was around a ten minute walk and there was a bakery on the way. Obviously I always convinced my grandad or mother to buy me a sausage roll or two, a Ribena and maybe sometimes an iced ring doughnut too. After getting dropped off, I used to go to 'breakfast club' and then purchase a bacon roll or two! I happily munched all of that before even starting school!
All this overeating slowly crept up on me. A year into secondary school at La Retraite, I moved to Kent and started at St. John Fisher. I was then the prime target of bullies, who saw an opportunity to make myself feel like complete shit. Somehow, they didn't like my confidence and knew how to use my weight as a tool to lower my self-esteem. People used that famous quote "sticks and stones may break my bones but words can never harm me", but to be honest that was complete utter bullshit! Some of you may think "get over it" and yes maybe I should, but it planted that seed in my head. Still today I feel like that chubby little teenager who was so desperate to just fit in.
At the age of 15, I was diagnosed with PCOS (polycystic ovary syndrome). It isn't an illness that makes life simple for you. It effects many different aspects of my body, which I don't want to get graphic or bombard you with. I also don't want to dwell about it as I have lived with the illness for near enough half of my time being on this planet, and I would count myself as lucky as I was diagnosed at a young age.
As my weight was becoming a problem, I was first introduced to Weight Watchers which is now called WW for some reason. Don't get me wrong I lost 2 and half stone in around a year. My self-esteem was slowly on the rise, the bullying stopped (so fickle) and I even bagged myself a boyfriend. However the weight started to slowly creep up again and by the age of 18, I had more than likely put the weight I lost back on. A few times I went back to WW, but it never lasted very long. WW didn't tell me about this magical liquid people call alcohol and that after a night out you are more likely to want a big fat greasy kebab or a dirty burger. Also, the fact that dancing in a nightclub doesn't count as exercise.
Battling with the indulgence of colourful cocktails, snake bites and tequila, on top with many, many takeaways. Between the ages of 18 to 24 my weight was slowly getting out of control, as well as the need to drink. Self-denial and self-loathing played a huge part during those years along with having little self-worth! By the time I reached the age of 24, something just clicked. Realising that this weight gain was making me miserable, I had to do something about it. Funnily enough and definitely ironic, is that from the age of 21 to 24 I was a qualified Health trainer. With the knowledge I had, I decided to do Insanity The Ultimate Cardio Workout and Fitness DVD Programme (I may been sucked in while watching an advert, but it worked). I kid you not it was gruelling (obviously as I hate cardio) but I certainly lost so many inches and lost the weight I put on over the years. My self-confidence was also on an all time high.
Life then afterwards became stressful and painful emotionally wise. At one point when I moved in with the parents my weight was the lowest it has ever been, but it didn't last very long as I regained my appetite. For the last few years the weight has crept up slightly, once or twice an odd comment here and there saying I have put on weight or I have lost it. Unfortunately, it still affects me but I am aware how sensitive I can be when it comes to weight.
Slowly but surely being a new year and all, I'm trying my best to keep to the five goals I have set myself. Exercise wise it is going well, although it has been more home workouts this week. This is because I have come down with a chesty cough, and now and again when I speak, I sound like Danny Dyer. Already I am noticing slight changes in my body, which always motivates me to keep going. I'm still finding it torture when it comes to watching what I am eating, but I'm trying not to give myself such a harsh time and I haven't had a junk food binge day yet either.
Don't get me wrong there are days, when I feel confident and able to walk out the door and not feel so self-conscious. It's just that I want to have more "damn I look fit" days than "god I'm a hot ugly fat mess" days!