Anxiety sucks balls literally! Unless someone who likes to suck balls well good for them, but I can’t say that it is enjoyable sexual act. Anyways I digress, when I was younger I never knew what anxiety was. Maybe the fact that I hid my anxiety by self medicating with alcohol or sticking my head in the sand ( I did that a lot in my early/mid twenties). Those days are behind me now, but anxiety is still lurking always bloody lurking. Choosing the most random times to jump out at me and say “here I am bitch I’m here to ruin your day”.
I didn’t realise I suffered with anxiety, until I was faced with the fact that I used alcohol to self medicated which kept it all at bay. To be honest, I haven’t always been the most chilled out person. Don’t get me wrong I know breathing techniques, practising yoga, getting my mindfulness on,using apps to deal with anxiety can help but actually putting the work in is the difficult part!
Dealing with anxiety feels like you have no way out, your mind goes into overdrive and once you get to that point, it’s feels like you are sinking trying so desperately to catch your breathe. It can be the tiniest little thing, that can spark off my anxiety. I end up feeling like a complete tool, beating myself up that I let myself get to that point in the first place! Instead of actually using the tips that I have that do work, it feels like I want to punish myself and of course throw myself a self pity party!
I’m still trying to get my head round having anxiety, there have been times when I really thought that there was no light at the end of the tunnel. But somehow there always is. I just want everything to end up alright in the end, but to happen in like a day or two. Which isn’t always the case, patience isn’t a skill I have quite mastered yet.
There have been many occasions,where I have sat there brooding about situations that haven’t even occurred yet and will more than likely never happen. Situations where someone will have a go at me or mug me off in one way or another. By doing this the anxiety slowly bubbles to the surface, which then leads me to then think “ fuck everything is going to go wrong”. It’s the daydreamer in me. Instead of seeing the best in someone or a situation,I automatically think the worst. I know doing this is not practical at all, but changing your mind set can be a difficult task.
Though plenty of people tell me that things will be ok and give me plenty of advice plus plenty of reassurance, my brain likes to tell me otherwise. I’m stubborn like that! What I need to try and do is to actually be kind to myself, instead of letting my imagination run away with me. Like everything else it is a working progress. Being aware that I have anxiety means that I know what to work on. I still think anxiety sucks balls but I also know that I can work on not letting anxiety win!