I am the first to admit that I do not like stepping out of my little bubble of comfort, where I know it's nice and safe. Sure there are plenty of things I want to do and achieve, but there is always something there to stop me. It's too difficult, it's hard work, people don't like me, people are going to stare at me, I look pathetic, I look silly, "what's the point?". My excuses are endless. Every time I think that I am going to step out my comfort zone, anxiety and fear pulls me straight back to my bubble of doubt and excuses.
Having started this blog was a huge step for me. The doubts came flooding in from all directions.... "no one will read it", "people are going to judge me", "I'm not good enough", "my spelling and grammar is appalling". See my excuses are endless. Instead of listening to any of these doubts that I created for myself, for once I thought fuck it. Still four months on I am still writing on my blog. Trust me there have been many, many times where I thought of jacking it all in, but there are one or two people, who enjoy my blog and actually think I am a good writer ( I don't mean to blow my own trumpet, but it is nice to hear). Though I have pushed the negative comments that filter through my mind, there are so many other things that I am too frightened (how sad is that) to step out of my little bubble.
Fear, failure and rejection always plays a part of why I haven't done certain things. Sad but true. The days of me having so much confidence that I truly didn't give a shit what people thought of me are way gone. People will say bullshit, Tamara is full of confidence, so outspoken I don't believe that she can be shy. Yes maybe sometimes that is true, if I feel comfortable around certain people and I don't feel like I am being judged then I can truly be myself. Other times I do use the over confident Tamara to hide the fact, that I want people to like me and not be judged for what I do.
There are many times I thought to join like an all girls sport team, to keep fit, gain some friendships which I have found so tough since moving to the Midlands, but then I come up with the excuses. " I have no background in any sort of sport, " I will be rubbish", "none of the girls will like me", "I will look so stupid", " I will be laughed at" and of course "They will judge me". Still a year down the line I haven't even looked into it, as of course the fear of rejection and judgement is staring me right in the face.
It’s silly to think that I let those emotions stop me from doing certain things, but I see it as a working progress. Well not really I’m just lying to myself, I haven’t done anything to push myself out of my comfort zone at all. Finding the courage to realise that I shouldn’t care what people think of me or the fact that I may fail at something absolutely scares me. Writing this has made me realise that it is time to stop thinking and start doing!
I don’t want to regret looking back on life and thinking I wish I did that, but I was too scared to because I let negative thoughts, jumping to conclusions and people’s opinions stand in the way in what I wanted to do!