There have been many times where the past has played a role in how I react to certain situations and how I deal with relationships either personal or work related. I definitely told people ‘my story’ to get a reaction. The reactions I wanted to get was shock with a touch of sympathy. Yes, there was a period where there was certainly one bad situation that lead to another. A snowball effect as people say. I wanted people to see me as the victim. “Poor Tamara she has gone through such a huge ordeal! Bless her she’s gone through so much. What a trooper”. Yes, I did go through a period where it seemed that all I was receiving was bad luck. It lasted for around six months. Six months where anxiety was at an all time high, I lost weight as for once I couldn’t really eat (due to anxiety). I was technically made homeless but luckily my mum and stepdad let me move in with them. Unfortunately, I had to leave my life in Kent because they lived in Milton Keynes. A breakdown in a relationship occurred, I was also jobless, and I lost a loved one too. Plus, I had two minor operations as well to add to the mix.
So, it wasn’t a fantastic six months, but I am a strong believer that things happen for a reason. Plus, I realise now that I shouldn’t have acted like the victim, pleading sympathy for anyone who would listen to my sad story. Instead of focusing on the negatives of the situations that occurred over those six stressful, painful months. I should have seen the positive aspects instead. However, what I have also come to realise from a personal perspective, is that it so difficult to focus on positives than the negatives. For me it is anyways.
At the end of the day, I survived it, I’m still standing (Elton John’s song just literally came to my head when writing that). Don’t get me wrong, I wouldn’t want to relive those six months again. But those six months did give me strength, support and knowledge. Those months taught me a few things.
First of all I’m not special, people go through a lot more than what I had to deal with (just get over myself). To stop playing victim all the time, it’s unhealthy, pessimistic and then you become one of those people who dwell on the past. Someone who can never really move on, constantly looking at the past not moving forwards. That yes it was a tough, stressful and uncomfortable but it made me a stronger person. Plus, it also showed me who my true friends were, it was nice to finally get rid of some toxic people from my life. The love and support from my family was amazing, they always have my best interest at heart and for the fact I am always grateful. Though I shouldn’t dwell on it, it was an awful six months and some of the things that did occur were traumatic. That’s ok, it will take time to move past it and that is ok too. I am human and it was a lot to take in. No wonder I was constantly on the edge of an emotional breakdown. Last of all its life. Life is sometimes shit. It isn’t always going to be a bed of roses (whatever that means). Life does deal you situations where you are like, fuck off I don’t have time for this! It happens and it is crap, but it does pass. Most of the time it’s not at the pace I want it to go, but it does eventually pass.
You can think about the past and the lessons it given you. Sometimes you even learn from them. I just personally feel that it can become so unhealthy, to think of the negative past situations. You can get sucked into that sort of cycle, where you want to play the victim to get sympathy and hold those self pity parties, that I have spoken about in the past! The thing is it really gets you nowhere. Just reliving painful, stressful moments which can cause you to feel anxious and damn right shit. I know it can be frustrating to hear that, as it is a lot easier to say things than to actually do them physically.
It took me a good few years, to finally admit that those six months were shit but I don’t want to bitch about it anymore. What it has taught me that I am a lot stronger than I think I am. Plus I rather think about the future and it’s possibilities, than to sit there feeling sorry for myself about what has happened to me in the past.