Last week while I was off sick, with a viral and kidney infection (yes I want double sympathy, as it was bloody painful), I had plenty of time to do what I do best! Netflix binge! Laying down on the sofa, feeling sorry for myself I was scanning across Netflix, finding something to watch. Having decided that I wanted to watch a movie, I chose 'I Feel Pretty' (ironic, as I certainly did not feel pretty at all!) Choosing this film was a good choice, as I'm a fan of trashy, feel good, comedy romance and this film ticked all the boxes. Though of course it wouldn't win any Oscars or Baftas, it did however have a good message to tell ladies (I'm not being sexist, before anyone starts), plus a bit of eye candy (Tom Hopper anyone?).
I for one can definitely say, that I look in the mirror wishing I was someone else (bigger boobs, no skin condition, longer hair, green/blue eyes, a big bum, a natural all year round tan, skinny legs, no sausage fingers, no hair anywhere, the list can go on). Any who, this is what Amy Schumer character Renee wished for. (I don't want to ruin any spoilers, though to be honest, the film is pretty obvious from the start). As I was saying, she bangs her head during a spin class which makes her believe that, she is now complete babe, when duh it's real life and she is still herself!
Long story short she finds a new lease of self confidence, now she is a complete package through her eyes. Her whole persona changes, people are clearly miffed as people wouldn't class her as attractive. Renee has no idea that she is walking round, looking exactly the way she did, before having that embarrassing accident in the spin room. During the movie, she bags herself a job where people are confused to as why she has got given it in the first place, competes in a bikini competition which she smashes and she get's herself a boyfriend. What I liked about this film is that she did all that without looking any different, it was all in her head. I started to imagine if that happened to me, how would I react? Maybe I would apply for another job, wear things that I wouldn't dare to wear as I'm not skinny enough, have a self esteem and to know what confidence is! However, it is all short lived when she bangs her head again, walking into a clear shower wall (something I would actually do) and she devastated that she is 'herself' again! Renee soon catches on, when she does her whole speech at the end that she was always the same person and surprises herself that it was all in her head from the beginning.
A scene that stuck in my mind was between Renee and a lady called Mallory, who was played by Emily Ratajkowski (the model from the video Blurred lines, you blokes definitely know who I am talking about). She is crying in the changing room, after Renee is unsuccessful banging her head again. Renee asks Mallory what's wrong, to which she replies that she got dumped! Renee laughs in disbelief at her, while Mallory goes on to say that she suffers with low self esteem, which Renee scoffs her. To be honest so would I. Plus she is bloody stunning, with 0% body fat on her and she still has naturally nice tits (the bitch) but who knows, gorgeous people have pressures too these days, having to look perfect all the time. At least I can walk around while looking horrendous and no one would be bothered to take a photo of me!
The film in all had a great message for all women and made me feel empowered in a way. Standing in front of a crowd, delivering her message Renee definitely got in me in the feels. However, though it was motivational, I'm still sitting here worried because I haven't exercised for over a week, plus I have been eating what I want (chicken nuggets, Magnums, an Indian takeaway along with an McDonalds. Not all in one day I'm not that bad). My head has gone to thinking, that I have put on so much weight I'm going to look fat, for a night out out with the girls for my birthday. Time's like that, I know that I need to get out of my head. Maybe I need to be knocked on the head, to make me realise that I'm alright just the way I am and not to get caught up in such trivial things. To be grateful for what I got, which to be honest I forget very easily as I like to focus on things I don't like and want to change.
When I was younger during my time at primary school, you couldn't stop me from jumping up on stage to belt out a tune or two. My go to song was ’My heart will go on' by Celine Dion (I had a strange obsession with the film 'Titanic' and of course Leonardo DiCaprio). I had so much confidence in my abilities to perform. I wasn't blessed with brains but performing, I knew I could do. I also loved to wear over the top outfits (it was the 90's) and felt so bloody fabulous. I wasn't shy at all! When we were living in Brixton, we lived with the grandparents and my grandmother use to take me out shopping, which gave her the chance to show me off to people she knew. I guess that gave me the attitude, that I was someone with talent who had star quality.
While in the first year of secondary school, I stood out like a sore thumb, but not in a bad way. I didn't learn from primary school, when to keep my mouth shut as I don't have a volume button (still don't to this day) but some teachers saw potential in me. So much so, that I was the only year 7 to get a main part in the musical production of 'My Fair Lady' (I swear my mum had a video of this, somewhere). During my time at La Retraite, I was also in the school choir and I felt pretty pleased with myself, that I was seen as a young girl who may not be great with numbers (I loathe maths) but is a damn good performer.
This all dramatically changed when we moved to Kent and I attended Saint John Fisher. People didn't like the confidence I wore, which was slowly broken down, so I had no self-esteem or confidence left. Don't get me wrong, I did do a bit of singing, but I was made to feel embarrassed. To be told that I was no good at something, I thought I was only good at, was heart breaking.
Confidence wouldn't return until I did performing arts A level, but even then I was overlooked by two bigger, brighter personalities, that were even bigger than mine. They shined confidence out of their arses, they also had the brains too, so I had no chance. They were trained from a young age too, while when I was younger, I used the coffee table in my grandparents sitting room, to stand and make up dances to 'The Lion King' theme tune.
Back in the day when I moved to Kent, I went to two different drama clubs, out of school. Even then I was overlooked, but one or two people saw potential, but the bullying had knocked me so far down on the confidence scale, I gave them both up. I adored my singing lessons, but I saw no point to carry it on as no one is going to see me sing. I was lucky enough to perform on the Palladium stage, so no one can take that away from me. My mum paid out a lot for both groups and looking back now I really did give up far too easily.
The glorious age of turning 18 meant I was finally able to drink alcohol legally, which was the perfect solution to regain the confidence I lost over the years. However, alcohol became a solution and I self-medicated. Self-denial played a big part, and to be honest my confidence and self-esteem was still non-exist. When I had alcohol in me, I was able to gain some liquid courage, where picking up a microphone wasn't so daunting. I received compliments, but never took them on board, I thought they were taking the piss. This actually happened when I went to Kos with Dave. I was forced to do karaoke as the entertainment was pretty awful and let's face it, it couldn't get much worse. Singing the first song, I was completely shitting myself (not literally that would have been even more embarrassing) but by the end, I was feeling pretty chuffed with my performance. The holiday makers were very kind, telling me how beautiful my voice was, which was nice to hear as I haven't sung in front of more than 5 people, for such a long time. I forgot the buzz I use to get, performing in front of people and my ego was on an all-time high. I was roped into doing a few more songs, but I didn't mind, and I secretly loved every minute of it.
There is a music group at where I work, where I sometimes sit in and join in as well. This is the only place where I don't feel embarrassed to sing, as it is a small group and it is based in a room where no one judges, which is lovely. I am able to sing, and I get told that I have great vocals, which always makes me feel good about myself.
I do get a rush of excitement when I sing, I do miss performing. I just don't have the guts to go for it, like when I was a kid, who had no fear what so ever! Does anyone else wish they could go back in time? Tell their little mini me to not listen to anyone and go for it?
There is no time machine unfortunately, so I can't undo the past (there would be too many things I would erase) but there are some tips, that maybe one day I might actually take on board as well:
· Fuck the haters (sorry I swear too much)
· Don't let people tell you different
· Believe that you have talent and go for it
· Don't give up on your dreams
· What is the worst thing that can happen?
Has this happen to anyone else? Been made to feel that you aren't good enough? How did you cope with it? Well if it has, which I know, probably has happened to dozens of people, I hope you didn't give up like me!
So last year, I decided to jump straight in head first and become a full blown vegan. Instead of most people, who chooses to be a vegan as they don't want to eat a living thing, use products that test on animals, for environmental issues and so many other personal reasons. I chose to be a vegan, out of pure vanity, I wanted to see if the skin conditions I suffer with would clear up, also in the process lose a few pounds too ( I know, I know what stupid reasons).
Instead of doing it the more slowly, slowly approach, like maybe cut down on meat, stop going to KFC, not use products that use animals for testing, increase my fruit and vegetable intake, try being a vegetarian first. Nope not me, I was all in! I'm going to do this proper, no shortcuts for me. In the process, I began one of those annoying human beings that said "oh I can't eat that I'm a vegan". Looking back now, I would of slapped myself across the face. I also apologise to anyone, especially the lover who tried his hardest to support me, having to listen to me go on and on about my new vegan ways.
There were up and downs when it came to my new found phase. It was pretty annoying, going into restaurants and not being able to eat most of the menu that was on offer. It was also torture, when I had to sit there while people were tucking into their delicious meat dishes (though to be honest nine times of ten I loved what I chose to eat).However, on the other hand when going through this phase, we found an amazing restaurant in Glasgow called Mono (even Dave who is a big meat eater loved eating here, as much as I did). Who knew that the country famous for deep fried pizza and Mars bars, not forgetting amazing haggis, could be the place to go to have an amazing vegan meal! Glasgow is filled with vegan restaurants. I was also told about a lovely vegetarian/vegan restaurant in Northampton called Karamana, where I had an amazing cake and milkshake.
It also turned out to be a pretty expensive time, when it came to food shopping. During this time I was obsessed with going to Sainsbury's. I know you can be a vegan on a budget, but I want to try all these intriguing recipes from Lucy Watson's Feed Me Vegan, which I would recommend. One time before I headed out to Sainsbury's, I decided that I wanted to try out a few recipes. To cut the story short, I ended up spending over 80 quid on ingredients and also products that I saw, that where vegan friendly. Well Dave wasn't too impressed, as 80 quid is more like two to three weeks worth of grocery money, not on one off food shopping spree.
The benefit I gained while being a short term vegan, is that I was more thoughtful with what I put in my mouth (not like that). Also at the same time, I did enjoy snacking on oven chips, Linda McCartney sausage rolls (which are to die for and I still eat them now) and of course vegan chocolate which I still indulge on. My mum was all up for my vegan phase, she even admitted that some of the vegan dishes I made were delicious (she even purchased me BOSH! Simple Recipes Amazing Food cookbook). My dad on the other hand not so much. When I went up to Scotland, (my dad is Hungarian, but his dream was to live on a houseboat and he loves Scotland, hence why he lives there) had a lot of fun winding me up, which is very easy to achieve. When we went on a shopping trip, he said he wanted a KFC, knowing all to well that the only thing I maybe able to eat was the chips and baked beans. We ended up in Pizza Hut, who caters for vegans so I was able to tuck into a pizza and of course the salad bar. Unfortunately during my time up there, a Chinese takeaway was ordered. I thought I was tucking into veggie spring roll, but no it was a mixed meat spring roll. I felt like an utter failure, but when I got back home I went back to being vegan.
That only lasted another month, before frustration kicked in and gave up entirely. I admire people who are vegans. They are making a difference to the environment and I wished had the same passion and drive to live out that lifestyle. Unfortunately, veganism isn't for me. Don't get me wrong I will still happily cook a vegan friendly meal, eat in a vegan restaurant and use vegan friendly products (I do love a bit of Lush). I found out the hard way that it is a process, from my experience I couldn't jump to being vegan off the bat. Personally, I should have started to cut down on meat and eliminating it from my diet, then move towards becoming vegetarian and then worked my way towards veganism. I do try to have meat free meals (Quorn is a great product to use). Another thing I do is check what products I use that don't test on animals. I'm also trying to be a bit more eco friendly, by reusing bags (but I always seem to forget to bring them with me, when I go shopping) and doing some recycling when I am able to, which I have to admit definitely needs some working on. All in all the experience was a good one, and never say never, I just might try it all over again!
Seriously, I don't know why but I love going up to Scotland! I even enjoy the long road trip up there on my own. This is because I don't have to worry about any passengers (people like to comment on my driving abilities and I have the touch of road rage too). Having people in the car makes me feel on edge, as I have to make sure that they are OK and not dying of boredom. When I am on my own, I can stop whenever I like, but the biggest bonus is I have full control of the music that is played in Charlie Red, (my little red Fiat 500). This is when I can bust out my karaoke skills and some dance moves, which are appropriate when I am driving of course.
This time round, I travelled up to the beautiful country of Scotland, was to see the band Snow Patrol. It would have been ironic that the weather would have stopped me from seeing them, (it was around the time when snow stopped half of the country). Fortunately, I was lucky and made it up to Glasgow safe and sound. I have wanted to see Snow Patrol for such a long time and finally I was able to see them live. I have to say that I love seeing artists and bands live. It's the atmosphere and being there in the moment, that makes it all worth spending the money on it in the first place. Snow Patrol, like I suspected didn't disappoint. We had seats and though we were in heavens, we had a good view. It was chilled gig, they were on point and they also played one of my favourite songs 'Crack the Shutters', which made the night even more enjoyable. Of course, they played 'Chasing Cars', which to finally hear it live on stage was amazing. I love the lyrics and the song always brings back memories of being a teenager (it came out when I was 16, which seems such a long time ago). I went along with my dad's long-suffering partner (joking of course) Jane, which was lovely as we both appreciate Snow Patrol.
My dad and Jane own their own houseboat, which is always such a pleasure to stay on. On this occasion though, it was bloody freezing. So much so, that in the morning I could physically see my breathe. Also, the fact that the barge had frozen over, which meant that the poor ducks were walking along on the ice. I adore spending time on the houseboat, it's so peaceful and still. It's the best time to chill out, settle down on the sofa and grab yourself a good book. It's a unique experience. I always look forward to staying, as it's a whole different lifestyle.
The view from the houseboat
On this trip up to Scotland, I also went to visit my mother and stepdad Philly. Oh sorry, and the cat Mya too (Dave would be upset if I missed her out). They upped and left Milton Keynes and deserted me! On a serious note, they decided to move to Scotland to find their forever home, which fortunately for them they did. They live in a lovely, quaint village in the middle of nowhere. The picture below, is the view that I woke up to each morning I was there. Not too shabby, it beats waking up to a concrete jungle very day. Their house is definitely a fixer-upper and hopefully the parents will decided to not go with yellow walls and a green carpet, like they did with their old house. They know how disgusted I was, when they chose to go with that interior. Fingers crossed, they will use tasteful colours and flooring, but I don't hold my breathe.
Anyways, while I was spending time with my mother, she took me on a tour of the Ayrshire shopping centre and town. Well our favourite past time is to spend money, (my mother always says I'm a bad influence, but she is just as bad!). We started in Topshop, where my mum suggested to try a dress on which was brought, along with a pink fluffy coat, which my mother suggested I get. I also convinced her, to also buy me a beautiful pair of metallic, pointy heels to go with the dress, which I wore for Valentine's day. We also raided, Newlook, Primark and Debenhams. Having a walk around the town we stumbled into this amazing art store, for the artist Steven Brown. Also, next door was an art gallery where I fell in love with one of his pieces. If I had the money there and then I wouldn't have hesitated to buy the piece. Alas, I'm poor and Dave is no sugar daddy, so I left the art gallery empty handed. Although, I have found a new artist, who I appreciate and that maybe one day I can say, I own a piece of his art work (wishful thinking).
Having done our cardio workout spending hours cruising around the stores, I told my mum that I was longing to see the coastal shore of Ayrshire. We popped into the car and headed for the beach. When we arrived there finally, (my mum's sense of direction is appalling). I literally got out of the car, decided there and then that it was way too windy to take a stroll along the beach. Though the view was stunning, 2 minutes standing by the beach was enough for me and I wanted to head back to my mother's warm and cosy house. On the way back to the village, I got convinced to go to one of the tearoom rooms that has some delicious cakes and views to admire, of course I couldn't say no. Phil met us there, after having a peaceful day to himself we came in to spoil that for him. He was kind enough to treat us to a cup of tea (that's comes in a cute little teapot with a cup and saucer), an enormous scone with a side of cream and jam. You cannot have a scone without cream, there would be no point to eat one in the first place. They ran out of clotted cream, but the lady in charge said that they could whip up some cream, if I like and of course I couldn't turn that down. Well, it was delicious and definitely worth the calories I consumed. After enjoying the scone and tea, mother suggested that we took a drive along the coastal route, where I will be able to take a few more snaps. The drive was so picturesque, it was also nice for once not being the driver and to able to admire the views, than worrying if I am going to crash into a tree or accidently run over a sheep.
After returning back to mum's and Phil's humble abode, we had a very hungry, moaning Mya waiting not so patiently for our return. Having spent such a wonderful time with mother dearest, I was sad knowing that I had to leave the next day. In the morning I was made spaghetti and sausage on toast (one of my all-time favourite breakfast dish) and then it was the long, slow journey back to Northampton. While travelling home, it began to slightly snow, and the country lanes were a nightmare. On a couple of occasions, I had to stop to take a couple of photos (I couldn't help myself). I also bumped into some sheep (none were harmed I promise), which I have never seen before. Just roaming around owning the country roads. I swear some of the sheep, gave me some dagger stares. Luckily the drive back down was smooth running and uneventful.
Next time I go up to Scotland I will have to drag Dave along with me (though he isn't a fan of the long drive or my road rage). He will come along as he knows that Mya, will be there not waiting for him and probably mildly tolerate him. I am always telling people that they must visit Scotland. There are so many stunning places to explore, the views you can witness are amazing. Glasgow and Edinburgh are two beautiful cities with stunning architecture, plenty of history plus there are great restaurants to try out too. If you like a spot of retail therapy both cities wont' disappoint. All I am saying is that you have to put Scotland on your travel bucket list, if you haven't already.
So, Valentine's Day is looming and three years in a row, I have been able to hold down a boyfriend! (It's been the same boyfriend for the last three years too). Shocking I know! Even though there are many lovely traits to Dave, I don't want to talk about the things I like about him, I would rather tell everyone what traits I dislike about him instead.
(How we look at each other on most days)
Number 1: Dave's favourite past time is to wind me up! It is very, very easy to get me wound up and he does certain things, to get a reaction out of me. For example, like when we are in Morrisons when I am looking around, he picks up random items and starts pretending he looks interested, or puts on a timer on his phone, as he thinks I spend ages in the store.
Number 2: He finds it hilarious to sing at me "John Jacob Jingleheimer Schmidt" (don't ask me why). Trust me, it's so irritating, especially when he tries to sing it right in my ear hole!
Number 3: I like a good dispute (argument), but Dave is the opposite. Dave doesn't play along and stay's so calm and passive, which just makes me even mad!
Number 4: He loves a lay in, when I am of those strange morning people. I have to entertain myself on the weekend, which can be dull. I may also try to wind him up so he gets up but that never works!
Number 5: Dave doesn't have the same appreciation for Ru Paul Drag Race or Gossip Girl, which to be honest that would make me doubt his sexuality.
Number 6: His cooking skills let's say are lacking. The only thing he has made for me, since we have been together for over two years, is a toasted turkey rasher sandwich. He personally thinks that I should be pleased but I am hoping that one day I will wake up to a full cooked English breakfast.
Number 7: He never wants to clean the bathroom, or doesn't think it is important to polish, so I am left to do it, unless a cleaning fairy was to come and visit.
Number 8: Dave is obsessed with my mother's cat Mya. So much so, he has a whole photo album on his phone dedicated just to her. He also asks for weekly videos of her meowing and says "I wonder what Mya is up to?"
Number 9: He doesn't like to eat Japanese food, and he won't even try it!
Number 10: The last thing that bugs me about Dave is that he puts me in my place and he rarely lets me get my own way, unless I make a song and dance out of it!
Having written all these pet hates of mine, Dave is a top boyfriend! (though I don’t like to let him know that, as his head won't fit through the door). He puts up with my diva like habits, makes sure that I receive roses on Valentine's day. On the odd occasion, I get a bunch of flowers without having to ask for them. Dave likes to see me happy and has a lot of patience. Sure, he isn't perfect (who is) but he is kind, thoughtful (most of the times, always room for improvement), hilarious (though I hate to admit it) and I think he is a bit of alright.
Sometimes we make an effort to look good..
OK, let's be honest here I have never been the sort of person who loves exercise! I think it's torture, unless it's that other sort of exercise if you get my drift. Anyways, if I had a good metabolism, I would say hand on heart, fuck doing exercise! I'm naturally slim and march out of a gym and never look back.
However, I have been cursed with shit genetics in more ways than one (having PCOS and a rare genetic skin condition) so it is a constant battle to stay fit. The skin condition effects my self-confidence and self-esteem (that's a whole other story) sorry I digress.
Anyways, when I was younger, one form of exercise I liked to do was swimming (as I wanted to be a mermaid), plus it was the only sort of physical activity I was actually good at. I lasted only a few lessons at karate, I loathed ballet and my mum didn't dare take me to gymnastics. She once said to me "you weren’t a very graceful child" in other words I stomped about, and my coordination was shocking. Throughout my childhood, the only main exercise was swimming, riding my lovely, baby pink bicycle with tassels attached to the handles up and down the street, and the occasional kiss chase, which I didn't mind of course.
When puberty hit, I stopped being so active and low and behold the weight slowly crept up. At the age of fifteen, I joined the gym but I only stepped foot in the building on two occasions. I told myself that I was going to Weight Watchers, so that's enough to help me lose the weight. The years went by, one or two Ministry of Sound workout DVDs were purchased and were used. Though every time I used it, there were three perfectly toned, slim, tanned women staring back at me, making feel like a total fat piece of shit, so that didn't last very long either. Soon, dancing in nightclubs, drunken walks home or the walk of shame in the morning was the only form of exercise in my life. Still, I was in denial about how I felt about myself knowing that deep down, that I had to do something about this weight gain. When I was living on my own at one point, I found some motivation, where I picked up jogging and on occasion did some hill training. The main reason behind that, was that I ran past Brompton barracks and I was always hoping to perv on some squaddies. This also didn't last very long, as I pulled a muscle in my arse and that was the last of that phase.
I even signed myself up to do a Personal Trainer course to put myself into action. I felt defeated afterwards, because though I passed the physical part of the course, I failed the theory part. That gave me the excuse to think “screw it, I'm not supposed to do exercise or be in a gym”. During that time, I also joined the gym linked with the course. Feeling so insecure and out of place, I only stepped foot in there on a few occasions and cancelled my membership "to save money".
It wasn't until I saw an advert for Shaun T Insanity workout DVD, when I thought this is the push I need (or punishment). In the end the DVD's were purchased. My partner at the time was supposed to join me but he only lasted five minutes, but that didn't put me off. I was determined this time to lose the pounds I gained over the years. There were many times, I wanted to jack it in, go straight back to the sofa and stuff my face with a McDonald's breakfast (which was my favourite hangover cure). Or, decide this isn't worth it, but in the end, I was glad that I persevered with it. The inches I lost was amazing (unfortunately I deleted my results) though I do remember my waist being 34 inches and it went down to 26 inches! People started to give me compliments and people were giving me attention for all the right reasons! I even did a second round of Insanity as I knew what great results I got.
Afterwards, I stopped exercising as much and life got in the way, but fortunately the weight stayed off. When I moved to Milton Keynes to move in with the parents (due to a shitty break up) exercise was the last thing on my mind. Knowing I can't get away without doing no exercise at all I purchased some workout DVD's at home to do, as no one was going to see me looking like a sweaty mess. I didn't have much motivation during that period of time and the weight only slightly went up, but I felt uncomfortable and didn't feel great about my slight weight gain. My mother wanted to join the gym, so she convinced me to join with her. Don't get me wrong, I didn't feel as self-conscious as I did back in the day, but I didn't want to do any exercises where I might be doing it wrong. I also wanted some guidance in what certain exercises to do and I was interested in lifting weights but didn't know where to even begin!
This is where having a Personal Trainer phase began. Luckily, I have never had a PT that I have been attracted to, as I would feel too embarrassed and I would also spend the whole hour flirting with him and not exercising. I get easily distracted. Every PT has been different and still today I use different exercises I have been shown. Unfortunately, having a Personal Trainer can come at a price, so unless you are willing to pay good dollar then I wouldn't suggest getting one. Personally, I would say getting a PT is a brilliant way to gain confidence in the gym and also gave me the motivation to push myself.
As my last post was a touch on the heavy side (no pun intended) and personal, I thought I would embarrass myself even more this time round!
Thinking before I speak hasn't ever come naturally to me, what can I say, I was raised to be honest and blunt. In my family, honesty was the best policy. For example, when my grandmother was still alive, she once said to me " I was an ugly duckling, but grew into a beautiful swan".
My mouth has gotten me into trouble on many occasions growing up. I wasn't the quietest of kids either, which to be honest hasn't changed! Even though I got into trouble I have caused laughter as well.
Dave and his brother Carl (who I asked to give me some material for this piece) thought of the bright idea to put a list of all the random things I have said or asked. Obviously, this list has grown since they have known me, and looking at some of the things I have quoted I should really learn to think before I speak!
One of Carl's favourite lines I have said is "who invented the news?". I still think this question is valid. What I was trying to explain is, who thought it would be a good idea to spread information around to people. I knew what I was talking about. Another question I asked at Sunday lunch with Dave, Carl and their parents is "King Kong real". To be honest I should have kept my mouth shut and really processed it first, before blurting it out.
We once went to IKEA and Waspy (nickname for Dave's mum) held up a knife and I piped up and said, " Oh is that left handed?". Well my brain also didn't process that through very well as there is no such thing as a lefthanded knife! Feel free to use that clever invention and take it Dragons Den...
I was speaking with a work colleague about how at Dave's work they have an M&S food van, that comes at lunchtime to deliver. Well what I actually said was “S&M van” which would deliver something entirely different. It's very easy for me to swap words and letters around it just comes naturally to me. Like just a few days ago I was talking with a mate and I said, "fuck as fit" not "fit as fuck". It's like my brain and mouth really don't communicate with each other at all.
As well as muddling up my words and sentences I also have a knack of making up words. One conversation I was having with Dave and I thought I was saying "Impeccable" instead I was saying "Implicicable" and I was adamant that "Impliciable" was a word. Well it isn't a word, though personally think it sounds like a word and could use it in a sentence. For example, "Tom Hardy has Implicicable talent". Another thing that is easy for me to get wrong are sayings. Like instead of saying "touche" I said "La toosh" also that annoying saying "YOLO" I said "YOYO" and that famous saying "no skin off my nose" I said "no skin off my teeth".
Before Dave and Carl came up with their lists in 6 form I was in a History lesson and the teacher was talking about SS, German secret police. Well I thought I was being oh so clever and shouted out in class "Oh we have that here don't we miss, it's called MFI". Yes, I was talking about MI5, but I was going on about a furniture store. I wish the floor would open up and swallow me whole. I'm sure there were plenty of other times where I put my foot in it, but luckily no one was writing a list to remind me of my embarrassing moments. At least I didn't ask if "Hitler was still alive" or "are there windows in the Euro Tunnel" like some girl in my history GCSE class asked back in the day.
One time Dave forced me to watch all three movies of the Lord Of The Rings. Which we still haven't completed and I'm hoping Dave keeps forgetting. Anyway, he asked me what my favourite character was and I automatically said "The Ring" which he would take as an answer as The Ring technically isn't a character. So instead I said a tree, which he still thought wasn't a valid answer! (I meant one of those Ents).
I always seem to say things that I should just keep to myself, but I just can’t help it. Like "I wonder who came up with takeaway" another time I said to Dave "How can we be 80% water, we'd have to walk around in cups". Also I said "I like the song with the Aids" I was trying to say Band Aid Do They Know It's Christmas and "Pink Panther was a cat wasn't he?"... the clue is in the bloody name.
Sometimes I don't help myself and when trying to put my point across to Dave, saying I'm right near enough all the time, I said to him "I'm right 85% of the time and the other 25% I'm not". Maths is also not my forte either and neither are languages. I had no idea what language they speak in Norway so I said their native language was Norman!
Having written all this down I would have to say, I want to use that emoji where the little woman is handplanting her face! I mean facepalming, even when typing this Dave had to point this out. Though to be honest I like making people laugh as it boosts my ego, as everyone likes a funny person even someone like Frankie Boyle. I'm sure Dave and Carl's list will continue to grow, and I'm sure friends and family will be more than happy to remind me of other times I haven't thought before I have spoken!
There is no wonder why I have untagged and deleted so many unflattering photos of me over the last ten years! Just last night I was going through my friends Facebook, and was faced with pictures of me, that showed horrendously drunk, overweight, questionable hairstyles (God knows why I thought short hair suited me, it really doesn't) and outfits that shouldn't have been worn, staring back at me on my phone. Somehow wished I could go back in time, and tell my embarrassing, chubby, insecure teenage self to not use alcohol to self-medicate, study, only wear clothes that flatter you and for god sake, don't touch your bloody hair! Unfortunately, time travel hasn't happened yet and those pictures will always be there, but at least I can say I have matured better with age.
The battle with my weight started from when I left primary school, where my metabolism was giving up on me and I was unable to indulge in sugary and fatty foods. When I first started secondary school, the amount of food I consumed was definitely over indulgent. In the morning before I headed out, a banana was given to me as my favourite line would be "it's too early to eat breakfast". My grandad or mother would then take me on the bus to get to school. After getting off the bus it was around a ten minute walk and there was a bakery on the way. Obviously I always convinced my grandad or mother to buy me a sausage roll or two, a Ribena and maybe sometimes an iced ring doughnut too. After getting dropped off, I used to go to 'breakfast club' and then purchase a bacon roll or two! I happily munched all of that before even starting school!
All this overeating slowly crept up on me. A year into secondary school at La Retraite, I moved to Kent and started at St. John Fisher. I was then the prime target of bullies, who saw an opportunity to make myself feel like complete shit. Somehow, they didn't like my confidence and knew how to use my weight as a tool to lower my self-esteem. People used that famous quote "sticks and stones may break my bones but words can never harm me", but to be honest that was complete utter bullshit! Some of you may think "get over it" and yes maybe I should, but it planted that seed in my head. Still today I feel like that chubby little teenager who was so desperate to just fit in.
At the age of 15, I was diagnosed with PCOS (polycystic ovary syndrome). It isn't an illness that makes life simple for you. It effects many different aspects of my body, which I don't want to get graphic or bombard you with. I also don't want to dwell about it as I have lived with the illness for near enough half of my time being on this planet, and I would count myself as lucky as I was diagnosed at a young age.
As my weight was becoming a problem, I was first introduced to Weight Watchers which is now called WW for some reason. Don't get me wrong I lost 2 and half stone in around a year. My self-esteem was slowly on the rise, the bullying stopped (so fickle) and I even bagged myself a boyfriend. However the weight started to slowly creep up again and by the age of 18, I had more than likely put the weight I lost back on. A few times I went back to WW, but it never lasted very long. WW didn't tell me about this magical liquid people call alcohol and that after a night out you are more likely to want a big fat greasy kebab or a dirty burger. Also, the fact that dancing in a nightclub doesn't count as exercise.
Battling with the indulgence of colourful cocktails, snake bites and tequila, on top with many, many takeaways. Between the ages of 18 to 24 my weight was slowly getting out of control, as well as the need to drink. Self-denial and self-loathing played a huge part during those years along with having little self-worth! By the time I reached the age of 24, something just clicked. Realising that this weight gain was making me miserable, I had to do something about it. Funnily enough and definitely ironic, is that from the age of 21 to 24 I was a qualified Health trainer. With the knowledge I had, I decided to do Insanity The Ultimate Cardio Workout and Fitness DVD Programme (I may been sucked in while watching an advert, but it worked). I kid you not it was gruelling (obviously as I hate cardio) but I certainly lost so many inches and lost the weight I put on over the years. My self-confidence was also on an all time high.
Life then afterwards became stressful and painful emotionally wise. At one point when I moved in with the parents my weight was the lowest it has ever been, but it didn't last very long as I regained my appetite. For the last few years the weight has crept up slightly, once or twice an odd comment here and there saying I have put on weight or I have lost it. Unfortunately, it still affects me but I am aware how sensitive I can be when it comes to weight.
Slowly but surely being a new year and all, I'm trying my best to keep to the five goals I have set myself. Exercise wise it is going well, although it has been more home workouts this week. This is because I have come down with a chesty cough, and now and again when I speak, I sound like Danny Dyer. Already I am noticing slight changes in my body, which always motivates me to keep going. I'm still finding it torture when it comes to watching what I am eating, but I'm trying not to give myself such a harsh time and I haven't had a junk food binge day yet either.
Don't get me wrong there are days, when I feel confident and able to walk out the door and not feel so self-conscious. It's just that I want to have more "damn I look fit" days than "god I'm a hot ugly fat mess" days!
Don't I fancy a menthol cigarette, a pink gin with lemonade and a curry, which to be honest sounded like what I would consume every weekend back in the day. Instead of a curry it would be a greasy kebab! Even just last night walking back from the gym the smell of the kebab shop was calling my name, tempting me to stuff myself with greasy fatty meat with a salad (healthy right) and a large pitta bread.
I have to say cravings is one of the hardest things for me to deal with, it always has been. Weighing myself on a daily basis doesn't help. For example this morning having been to loo, I popped myself onto the scales and I haven't even lost a pound! This obviously made me feel like "screw this, what is the point of behaving if I am not getting anything in return!" The temptation for me to march myself down to Morrisons and go straight to the fresh cake section, where I would grab myself a cheesecake, then navigate my way to the crisp and chocolate aisle. This is when I would grab myself a large packet of posh crisps, normally cheese and onion, but the label would be pretentious. I swiftly move to the chocolate aisle where I contemplate what to purchase, which always ends up being a large bar of Galaxy. I have also been known to then go and grab myself a tub of ice cream, where I would convince myself that I was only going to have quarter of the tub, but probably just kid myself and indulge the whole tub! Instead of acting out this scenario I looked myself in the mirror (which I hate to do) and reminded myself that it has only been two weeks and not dwell on what the scales said!
Sugar is one of the biggest triggers for me and is definitely a love/hate relationship. Take for example at work on a Thursday evening, for those who follow me on Instagram might have seen my story (my Instagram name is tamaraargyelan if your aren't following me already). I was met with two naughty delicious looking desserts (see below). It was bloody difficult not to destroy those desserts. I was literally itching to have some sugar. Even went on My Fitness Pal to see if I could have a cheeky cupcake, but I used up my sugar allowance for the day (crying emoji face). The world was playing a cruel joke on me that is for certain! To make sure I didn't cave in, I heated my dinner which definitely was not as satisfying, a large bottle of water was consumed and I kept myself busy at work so not to be tempted by the bright colours and sprinkles of the cupcakes or the thick slice of Victoria sponge cake (which is one of my favourites) sitting there waiting for me to give in! Just to clarify I didn't give in and felt guilt free!
These pictures do not give justice to how enticing they actually where!
When it comes to temptation it always makes me feel like I have committed a crime where I end up feeling so bloody guilty! This is when I'm like "god what a fat slob!" Can't believe you ate a whole ham and pineapple pizza (I stand by my choice of pizza topping) from Papa Johns, which comes to over 1500 calories. It doesn't stop there as I also devour a portion of chicken poppers along with two pots of garlic butter sauce that calculates around an extra 500 calories. This is the cycle that I am constantly trying to break. In the short term having a blow out like that is like food porn, feels amazing for a while and then fills me with guilt afterwards. In the long term it really isn't worth it. Don't get me wrong I don't think I will give up food porn (it's tastes too damn good), but it is also time to realise that it isn't good for my waistline or my purse (which also includes Dave's wallet). I always seem to persuade him to buy junk food, though to be honest it doesn't take much for him to give in. What can I say I'm a bad influence!
Cravings is like a constant head fuck, like the angel on one shoulder and the devil on the other shoulder situation. Like the angel, which in my head would have the perfect abs and an annoying high pitch voice saying "Tamara don't give in, remember you want to look banging in a bikini". While the devil who is smoking a fag, stuffing her face with a big mac while sipping on a gin n tonic is whispering to me "sod it! Treat yourself you can always start fresh tomorrow". I have to admit that 90% of the time I go with the devil's advice and then throw myself a self-pity party (I'm very good at hosting one of those) and end back where I have started!
This year I feel more determined to not give into cravings. It's all about finding balance and being able to stop myself. During the last couple of weeks, I have done some certain things which help me along the way:
That's the thing when it comes to achieving anything is MOTIVATION! I know personally that if I have no motivation or no drive, then I can definitely push the fuck it button and pick up a beautiful, I mean disgusting cigarette (I still haven't given in), or deciding to jump into my car and go to the KFC drive thru (best invention but at the same time the worst). Trust me I have pushed that fuck it button too many times, I'm only human! I can also be my harshest critic and bully myself in a way! Telling myself I'm fat, I'm disgusting, my arms are massive! "Look Dave at my jiggly arms how can you find me attractive!" Now I know people say love yourself (not in that way) you deserve it and be kind to yourself (Dave uses this quote on many occasion). Don't get me wrong I have tried, but it's not that easy. Sure, people have said things like your figure is amazing etc but unfortunately I disagree with them and I don't listen to a word they have just said.
Going back to motivation, it's too easy to slip into bad habits and forget why I wanted to get into better shape in the first place! Sitting down to watch a season of Frontier (Jason Momoa anyone) and getting a tub of Ben & Jerry's (my personal favourite is Peanut Butter Cup) is so much more delightful than getting into my gym gear. I always hate putting my gym bra on and then pulling it off after sweating one out at the gym! (Anyone else feels my pain?) I also hate then leaving a nice, warm, cosy flat and walking in the bitter cold for 5/10 minutes, to go into the gym and do a workout for around an hour. Don't get me even started on blokes, who make it so obvious they want to gain eye contact with you and the blokes who slam down weights to try to get your attention by looking so bloody macho! Just to clarify not macho, just bloody irritating and it's not impressive! Just stop it already!
After saying all of that I know what I would rather do... get myself down to the gym! OK that's a lie I would rather eat my body weight in ice cream and perv on Aquaman (sorry Dave). Sometimes I have to realise that it is OK to have a blip once in a while and enjoy eating some junk food. It is also to remind myself that if I want to look banging in a bikini then there are some certain steps to follow to keep me motivated!
Step 1 - Don't give myself such a harsh time
Step 2 - When I don't feel like going to the gym I force myself to put on my gear so I am ready to leave
Step 3 - Make sure in advance that I know what days I am going to the gym by writing it in my diary
Step 4 - Remind myself any workout is better than no workout at all
Step 5 - Use my Fitness Pal to keep an eye on what I am stuffing into my mouth
Step 6 - Look at Instagram models and envy their perfect bodies and hate God that I am not genetically blessed!
Step 7 - Don't do step 6 that will only make me feel like shit
Step 8 - Totally ignore Step 7 and do Step 6 anyways
Step 9 - Don't have any naughty snacks in the flat (Dave has his own private cookie stash so he isn't deprived of sugar)
Step 10 - Pre-plan what I am eating for the week
Step 11 - Look at a motivational quotes each morning to start the day feeling more positive
Step 12 - Stop perving on Jason Momoa (that's not really for motivation that is more for Dave's benefit)
You are more than welcome to try any of these steps, except Step 12 that would be a shame to give that up!