As my last post was a touch on the heavy side (no pun intended) and personal, I thought I would embarrass myself even more this time round!
Thinking before I speak hasn't ever come naturally to me, what can I say, I was raised to be honest and blunt. In my family, honesty was the best policy. For example, when my grandmother was still alive, she once said to me " I was an ugly duckling, but grew into a beautiful swan".
My mouth has gotten me into trouble on many occasions growing up. I wasn't the quietest of kids either, which to be honest hasn't changed! Even though I got into trouble I have caused laughter as well.
Dave and his brother Carl (who I asked to give me some material for this piece) thought of the bright idea to put a list of all the random things I have said or asked. Obviously, this list has grown since they have known me, and looking at some of the things I have quoted I should really learn to think before I speak!
One of Carl's favourite lines I have said is "who invented the news?". I still think this question is valid. What I was trying to explain is, who thought it would be a good idea to spread information around to people. I knew what I was talking about. Another question I asked at Sunday lunch with Dave, Carl and their parents is "King Kong real". To be honest I should have kept my mouth shut and really processed it first, before blurting it out.
We once went to IKEA and Waspy (nickname for Dave's mum) held up a knife and I piped up and said, " Oh is that left handed?". Well my brain also didn't process that through very well as there is no such thing as a lefthanded knife! Feel free to use that clever invention and take it Dragons Den...
I was speaking with a work colleague about how at Dave's work they have an M&S food van, that comes at lunchtime to deliver. Well what I actually said was “S&M van” which would deliver something entirely different. It's very easy for me to swap words and letters around it just comes naturally to me. Like just a few days ago I was talking with a mate and I said, "fuck as fit" not "fit as fuck". It's like my brain and mouth really don't communicate with each other at all.
As well as muddling up my words and sentences I also have a knack of making up words. One conversation I was having with Dave and I thought I was saying "Impeccable" instead I was saying "Implicicable" and I was adamant that "Impliciable" was a word. Well it isn't a word, though personally think it sounds like a word and could use it in a sentence. For example, "Tom Hardy has Implicicable talent". Another thing that is easy for me to get wrong are sayings. Like instead of saying "touche" I said "La toosh" also that annoying saying "YOLO" I said "YOYO" and that famous saying "no skin off my nose" I said "no skin off my teeth".
Before Dave and Carl came up with their lists in 6 form I was in a History lesson and the teacher was talking about SS, German secret police. Well I thought I was being oh so clever and shouted out in class "Oh we have that here don't we miss, it's called MFI". Yes, I was talking about MI5, but I was going on about a furniture store. I wish the floor would open up and swallow me whole. I'm sure there were plenty of other times where I put my foot in it, but luckily no one was writing a list to remind me of my embarrassing moments. At least I didn't ask if "Hitler was still alive" or "are there windows in the Euro Tunnel" like some girl in my history GCSE class asked back in the day.
One time Dave forced me to watch all three movies of the Lord Of The Rings. Which we still haven't completed and I'm hoping Dave keeps forgetting. Anyway, he asked me what my favourite character was and I automatically said "The Ring" which he would take as an answer as The Ring technically isn't a character. So instead I said a tree, which he still thought wasn't a valid answer! (I meant one of those Ents).
I always seem to say things that I should just keep to myself, but I just can’t help it. Like "I wonder who came up with takeaway" another time I said to Dave "How can we be 80% water, we'd have to walk around in cups". Also I said "I like the song with the Aids" I was trying to say Band Aid Do They Know It's Christmas and "Pink Panther was a cat wasn't he?"... the clue is in the bloody name.
Sometimes I don't help myself and when trying to put my point across to Dave, saying I'm right near enough all the time, I said to him "I'm right 85% of the time and the other 25% I'm not". Maths is also not my forte either and neither are languages. I had no idea what language they speak in Norway so I said their native language was Norman!
Having written all this down I would have to say, I want to use that emoji where the little woman is handplanting her face! I mean facepalming, even when typing this Dave had to point this out. Though to be honest I like making people laugh as it boosts my ego, as everyone likes a funny person even someone like Frankie Boyle. I'm sure Dave and Carl's list will continue to grow, and I'm sure friends and family will be more than happy to remind me of other times I haven't thought before I have spoken!